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An Image to Help You Let Go of Toxic Thoughts

A number of years ago, I was struggling with toxic thoughts—my own, and those of others. I lamented to a trusted friend that I was taking this negativity too deeply into my mind and—in the form of a chronically achy lower back—body.

She offered a simple metaphor that has stayed with me in the years since. Imagine yourself to be a screen door, she said. Toxic thoughts might be blowing and swirling in the wind, but they pass through you, effortlessly flowing out into the ether without getting stuck.

What I love most about this image is how simple it is, and how little it actually asks of me. I don’t have to actively repel the negative words, thoughts, news or actions I might encounter in the course of my day. I merely have to stay present to the breezes that blow around me, allowing them to pass through on their way out into the world.

I adjust the image sometimes, to suit situations that I’m facing.

If I feel like my own thought patterns are skewing negative, or if I am feeling stuck on a decision, a quandary or an emotion, I might imagine the passing wind catching hold of the stress and anxiety that’s weighing me down, carrying it off as it moves through me.

If I am in a tense situation with another person, I might visualize their negativity as a hot wind that is uncomfortable for a moment, but fleeting as it blows by. I can breathe in crisp, clear air in its wake.

The temperate weather of early summer is the perfect time for this screen door image. The more regularly you do the visualization, the more readily it will pop into your mind as you move through your day.

The novelist Anne Bronte paints a beautiful picture of the kind of air I envision when I invoke my breezy screen door: “A light wind swept over the corn,” she writes, “and all nature laughed in the sunshine.”

Angels Among Us

Anyone listening to the radio around Christmastime 1993 would have heard me singing about angels. As part of the group Alabama, I was proud of our hit “Angels Among Us.”

I got hundreds of letters about that song over the years, and I cherished every one. From time to time, I sit at my desk, surrounded by records framed on the walls, and read them.

“This song is a blessing,” one woman wrote. “I truly believe there are angels among us!” I believed it too. In fact, if it wasn’t for one of those angels on earth, I would have had a very different life.

Back home in rural Alabama, none of the kids I knew finished high school. When you were struggling to make ends meet day to day it was hard to imagine your life being anything else.

My junior high teachers said a degree would help me get a good job, but my daddy needed my help on the farm now. I dropped out of school.

A year later I returned—but not as a student. After a day working in the fields, I put in a couple hours doing janitorial work. If any of the teachers or staff thought it was odd, they didn’t say so. Except Mrs. Ellis.

Reading over my letter, I remembered the day the principal confronted me while I was sweeping up. I caught sight of her bright red hair as she marched over to me. “Owen,” she said in her scratchy voice. Why would a straight-A student drop out before high school?”

All my good reasons for dropping out disappeared at the sight of Mrs. Ellis. “I don’t know,” I mumbled.

“As an educator, wasted potential offends my sensibilities,” she said. “It’s about time you went back.”

And juggle farm work with my studies? Besides, I’d been away for over a year. I could never catch up!

“I’ll have your transcript tomorrow,” she said. “Take it to Fort Payne High School and get enrolled.”

I leaned back in my desk chair and looked around. Gold and platinum records lined the walls. It made me think of a different office—the principal’s at Fort Payne High. I stood in front of his desk watching him go over my transcript, a college degree framed on the wall behind him.

“Look, son, however well you think you did in junior high,” he said, eyeing my farm clothes with suspicion, “you’re too far behind to catch up now. Go back to the fields.”

I thanked him for his time and went to my janitor’s job. I tried, I thought as I washed the floor. School just wasn’t meant for guys like me.

“Owen!” Mrs. Ellis came marching down the hall. “You’re supposed to be in high school.”

When I told her what the principal said her face got as red as her hair. “Follow me!”

A minute later I was in yet another principal’s office, Mrs. Ellis’s, only this time I wasn’t the one getting yelled at. Mrs. Ellis was willing to fight for me in a way no other teacher had. “You want that transcript sent registered mail, you’ll have it!” she said, slamming down the phone.

The principal had to let me into the high school, but he didn’t like it. “If I see you in my office even once,” he told me when I showed up for my first day, “it will be your last day at Fort Payne High.”

As I opened another letter, I hummed “Angels Among Us” to myself. “I believe there are angels among us…to show us how to live…to guide us with a light of love.”

Mrs. Ellis had surely done that for me. Even after I got to high school I relied on her to get me through. Like the day in math class when my teacher caught me chewing gum.

“Mr. Owen,” he said. “You will expectorate your gum. And from now on, you will sit in the front row.”

The class snickered as I made my way to the blackboard. I wanted to run right back to the field. I was big. I was strong. I belonged there. No matter how much I loved to learn, I didn’t belong in school!

As I spit out my gum in the wastebasket a hundred smart remarks ran through my head. I could lay this guy out with one punch, I thought. Sure, I’d get expelled, but who would care? Not my math teacher. Not these other kids. Not the principal—

Mrs. Ellis would care, I thought. Mrs. Ellis believed in me. Quietly, I took my seat in the front row.

I faced an even bigger challenge in my next class. When I got there, the class bully was dangling a smaller boy out the second story window. “Pull him back in,” I ordered.

The other kids got quiet. “Who are you?” the bully sneered.

A fight would get me kicked out of school. I knew Mrs. Ellis was counting on me to graduate. But I also knew Mrs. Ellis didn’t give in to bullies. I’d seen that the day she told off the high school principal.

This kid dangling out the window needed someone to stand up for him the way Mrs. Ellis had stood up for me. Lord, please don’t make me have to fight him.

“Who am I?” I said. “I’m the guy who’s going to kick your tail if you don’t pull him back inside.”

Maybe I’d managed to channel some of Mrs. Ellis’s authority. Maybe my guardian angel stepped in to back me up. Whatever the reason, the bully gave in without a fight. He pulled the smaller boy back through the window just in time for the teacher to arrive. I took my seat.

Maybe I can make it through high school, I thought for the first time. Maybe I do have potential.

From that day on, I started thinking about the future. I imagined what I’d like to do with my life, what I could do with it if I worked hard enough. Oh, it wouldn’t be easy. There would always be things standing in my way.

But there would also be people like Mrs. Ellis, good people who cared and were willing to fight to give me a fair chance. I loved studying in school—maybe I could go to college. I loved to sing—maybe I could do it on stage.

Suddenly I had a whole life ahead of me I hadn’t known was there. Not until Mrs. Ellis showed me how to fight for it.

I never dreamed I would one day be sitting at my own desk, surrounded by gold and platinum records—and my own college diploma hanging on the wall. I’ve tried to use my success to help others reach their potential.

It’s what Mrs. Ellis would do. She’s still showing me how to live, and guiding me with the light of love, a real angel among us.

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An Expert Tells Us How to Beat the Post-Holiday Blues During a Pandemic

The holidays are often thought of as the “most wonderful time of the year” but that’s not always true for those suffering from feelings of depression, loneliness, and anxiety. In fact, the phenomena known as the “post-holiday blues” might be more keenly felt this year, thanks to a global pandemic disrupting our beloved traditions and well-made plans.

The sense of loss we’ve all felt because of Covid-19 has, according to Dr. Bethany Teachman, a professor and the director of clinical training in the department of psychology at the University of Virginia, left us more than a bit drained.

“People are heading into these holidays very depleted,” she tells Guideposts.org. “Far too many people have lost loved ones or jobs, or are experiencing serious economic stress, so there is considerable grief for millions of people this season. Even for those who have been more fortunate during this time, it has been an extended period of stress and uncertainty, and we are often not together with our families and loved ones, so we are tired, strained and things don’t feel quite right.”

To lessen those feelings and still enjoy this time of year, it’s important to focus on the things we can control. That’s why Guideposts.org chatted with Dr. Teachman to identify seven things you can do to beat the “post-holiday blues” and meet the new year with a more positive outlook.

1. Set Realistic Expectations

One reason we frequently experience “holiday blues” is that we often place unrealistic expectations on the holidays, Dr. Teachman tells Guideposts.org.

“It is presented in the media and Hallmark cards as this magical perfect time, but that places a lot of pressure on people to try to create that experience,” she said. “In reality, families don’t always communicate perfectly, people are under financial and a million other kinds of stress, especially right now, and those challenges don’t simply disappear because it is the holidays.”

Instead of over-romanticizing this season—something that’s especially easy to do in the middle of a pandemic—she suggests focusing on one or two things you absolutely enjoy about the holidays and dedicating your energy to that.

“We’ll likely enjoy the holidays more if we have realistic expectations – for many, this means an expectation that some parts will feel relaxing and fun, and other parts will be exhausting and frustrating, just as occurs in our regular lives,’ Dr. Teachman explains. “I often think about trying to increase the proportion of the day that is spent feeling positive and productive, rather than thinking I can make a whole day feel great.”

2. Check In With Yourself

One of the most important things you can do if post-holiday blues are hitting hard is to evaluate your feelings. This means sitting with yourself and taking stock of the emotions that might be influencing your life. If they’ve been around for longer than just a few days, there might be a bigger issue that needs facing.

“Anyone can feel sadness or despair during the holidays, and research shows it is a difficult time for many people,” Dr. Teachman says. “For it to be clinical depression, a person would have to feel sad or irritable most of the day nearly every day for at least two weeks. Whether it is technically a depression or not, sustained experiences of sadness and lack of pleasure in activities you used to enjoy are a signal that you want to make some changes and possibly get help.”

3. Find New Ways To Connect

Because of the pandemic, many of us won’t be physically gathering for the holidays this year. That’s a tough pill to swallow, and it can have an effect on our mental health. Dr. Teachman recommends finding new ways to connect with others, and with yourself, this holiday season.

“It is always important to care for our mental health, just as we care for our physical health,” she explains. “This means finding a good balance of activities that allow us to relax, do pleasurable things, be productive and meet (some of) our goals, and keep our body well-fed, rested, and active. It also means seeking social support in safe, physically distant ways. We are social beings and it is important that we do not add to the feelings of isolation at this time.”

This might mean virtual gatherings – think opening mailed presents on Zoom with your loved ones – or more outdoor activities, like sitting around a camp fire with those in your approved bubble, will be part of the memories you make this year, and that’s okay. Allow yourself to feel sad, lonely, and disappointed in these temporary circumstances, and then face the holidays with hope and a renewed sense of gratitude.

“Those feelings should not be ignored – they are important signals about our needs,” Dr. Teachman allows. “We need to be physically distant, not socially distant. Whether it be through virtual zoom or phone calls with family, or going for a masked, distant walk outside with a friend, it is essential that we stay connected.”

4. Focus On The Small Moments

This year might be especially hard for those who have lost someone, whether to COVID-19 or other causes. It might be equally difficult for people with relatives who are sick or currently infected. These feelings of fear, anxiety, and grief demand to be felt, so don’t try to immediately snuff them out. Instead, Dr. Teachman advises that you focus on small moments of happiness and the things you can control when it comes to celebrating the holidays this year.

“One of the big challenges of this time is to make space so that grief and gratitude and generosity and (occasional moments of) joy can all coexist,” she says. “For those who are actively grieving right now, these holidays will not feel the same as they usually do and that’s okay. It is not reasonable to expect to feel the way we usually do when grappling with heart-breaking losses. Instead, think about how to make some moments better – what can you do to make the next couple hours a little easier? For me, working to build memories with others makes a big difference, so cuddle up with the people in your household, make a nice meal together, and remember that it won’t always feel this hard.”

5. Avoid Enablers

Whether you’re one of the millions struggling with addiction issues, or whether the current pandemic and the added stress of the holidays has tested your sobriety, Dr. Teachman says the best thing to do if you find yourself turning to drugs or alcohol more to get through this time of year is to clear your life of those temptations.

“I encourage people to draw on their available resources, whether that be attending a virtual AA meeting or reaching out to people who are supporting them or checking in with your therapist, and take intentional steps to reduce opportunities to use,” she says. “If you need to reduce your drinking or abstain, don’t have the alcohol in your home. If there’s a particular friend you often get high with, don’t invite them over. Try to actively reduce the times you’ll need to fight those temptations so that resisting (inevitable) urges and cravings will be easier to do.”

6. Practice Gratitude

It might seem like an odd exercise – to practice gratitude during a year when so much has been lost, but Dr. Teachman says it can also give us a healthier perspective and a more hopeful outlook. Yes, these times are difficult, but finding things to be thankful for in spite of that helps us meet the more challenging aspects of this season with renewed optimism.

“We need to both recognize and honor what has been lost as well as appreciate and cherish what we have,” she explains. “I have been making a point of writing extra thank you emails or cards and encouraging my children to do the same. More generally, taking a moment to reflect on what we have, and more importantly, the connections we have with the people in our lives, is important to our health. This can also help us think proactively about how we can help others who are going through a difficult time right now. Notably, when we reach out and help others, not only do they benefit but it also helps our own mental health.”

7. Seek Help

There’s absolutely no shame in seeking help if feelings of anxiety and depression are overwhelming you during the holidays and after they’re gone. In fact, it’s vital that you’re in touch with those feelings so that you can monitor them and notice if they begin to affect your day-to-day life.

“We encourage people to consider whether the sadness, anxiety, anger, etc. are pervasive (so they are affecting you in lots of situations, not only when you read the news, for example), whether they are persistent (so it’s not just a bad day, but the distress is intense and lasting for weeks), and whether they are impairing (so the emotional difficulties are making it hard for you to function and meet your goals – e.g., missing work, finding it hard to engage with your children, just wanting to curl up in bed for extended periods),” Dr. Teachman explains.

If any of these apply, it might be time to reach out. There are plenty of resources available that Dr. Teachman recommends including the telehealth therapist programs on ABCT.org and ADAA.org, the COVID Coach app designed to support your mental health during the pandemic, and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Dr. Teachman’s own lab at the University of Virginia also offers free online interventions through a program called MindTrails. Whichever resource you choose, just remember, you’re not alone.

An Excerpt from Vin Baker’s ‘God and Starbucks’

I can see it on their faces sometimes. They walk into the store, heavy lidded, distracted by thoughts of the upcoming workday, looking for nothing more than a jolt of caffeine to shake off the morning cobwebs. They peck away at their smartphones or fumble with their wallets, oblivious to their surroundings, until suddenly, there they are, at the front of the line, looking up—way up—at the world’s tallest barista.

Some feign cool indifference, but most can’t help themselves. I grew up in Connecticut, played college ball at the University of Hartford, and spent part of my career—a rather notorious part—with the Boston Celtics. So here, at a Starbucks in North Kingstown, Rhode Island, there’s no place to hide. First of all, I don’t look like an ordinary guy. I’m a giant in the back there. I mean that literally—I’m six foot eleven, 275 pounds. You see me frothing up your cappuccino, and at the very least you can’t help but wonder, What’s going on here? He must be . . . somebody. Others know exactly who I am: a guy who made, and lost, more than $100 million in his NBA career, a career wrecked by alcoholism and depression and spectacularly bad business decisions. These are the people who stare hard, then suddenly avert their eyes, the sadness nevertheless evident on their faces.

I know what they’re thinking: How the hell does a four-time NBA all-star, and an Olympian, end up shouting “Tall decaf cappuccino!” from behind the counter at Starbucks? Given half the chance, I’ll disarm the customer with a smile and a few friendly words. I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable when they walk into our store, and I sure don’t want anyone’s pity. Trust me when I say this: I’ve been through worse. Much, much worse. There’s no shame in work. The indignity comes from not working, from losing your way through ego and weakness and addiction, and finding yourself tumbling into a bottomless pit of despair and helplessness.

Want to know what that looks like? Okay, here it is.

I was a first-round NBA draft pick (the eighth choice overall in 1993) smoking weed every day to alleviate my anxiety, until repeated trips to the emergency room, with my heart racing uncontrollably, prompted me to find another way to self-medicate.

I was an NBA all-star, drinking after games, and then before games, and eventually at all points in between—draining anywhere between a pint and a fifth of liquor a day—using alcohol to end my career and nearly my life. Make no mistake, that’s what alcoholism is: slow and deliberate suicide.

I was a man running from responsibility, fathering five children with two different women, and selfishly bouncing back and forth between families and relationships, because money gave me leeway and freedom that others were not afforded. Money, after all, is like a “get out of jail free” card—until it’s gone, and with it the patience and tolerance of those you’ve hurt, and the enabling of those who never really cared about you in the first place.

I was a former millionaire driving my mother’s Mercedes (the one I bought her with my rookie contract) to a pawnshop, with four old tires stuffed into the backseat and trunk. I sold the tires for eighty bucks, bought a few bottles of liquor, and drank myself into oblivion, until all the pain was gone— the ache in my lower back that signaled a failing liver, and the ceaseless cloud of loneliness that hung over every day.

That’s how bad it got for me.

By comparison, working at Starbucks is a walk in the park.

I’m not bitter. I’ve been sober for six years now, and in that time, with spirituality as the foundation, I’ve rebuilt my life one brick at a time. I married a longtime girlfriend, and together we are raising our four beautiful children. I am a licensed minister and assistant pastor at the same church in Old Saybrook, Connecticut, where my father is the head pastor, and where, as a boy, I knew nothing but peace. I’ll probably never be a millionaire again, but that’s fine. Life is good and full of possibilities.

That’s the point I’d like to get across: that life is worth living, no matter how bad it might get at times. Obstacles can be overcome, demons can be conquered. I’ve been speaking to youth groups both in and out of church, and I’ve done some work with the NBA, helping provide a cautionary tale to young athletes who likely aren’t even remotely prepared for the ways in which their lives will change when staggering wealth is heaped on them. This book is part of my mission. Maybe, by telling my story, I can provide inspiration and hope to those who are facing all manner of hardships, and who are trying to figure out how to pick themselves up and start over again.

As I tell the parishioners at my church: God doesn’t measure how far you’ve fallen, but he will be there when you’re ready to rise.

Read Vin’s inspiring story from the January 20190 issue of Guideposts!

From God and Starbucks: An NBA Superstar’s Journey Through Addiction and Recovery. Copyright © 2018 by Vin Baker. Reprinted with permission by Amistad, a division of HarperCollinsPublishers.

Discipline of Thought

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5, NIV)

I step on the scale with bare feet and squeeze my eyes shut. This is my new morning ritual–stepping from the shower to the scale.

I’ve become a master of balance on this square device, so before I open my eyes, I slide one foot over where the digital numbers will calculate. I like to reveal the numbers slowly. It seems less jarring if I present them in an easy, gentle way.

Make your thoughts obedient to God. Photo Zoonar/N.Sorokin, Thinkstock.I open one eye and do the foot move, until the numbers are there solid and clear. Time to shed a few items. I unclasp my locket and pull my earrings free. But the numbers stay the same.

Losing extra pounds is a tough thing. I know that it will take weeks and weeks to remove what settled on my body in December. An extra handful of Chex mix here. A double dip of Peppermint Oreo there (Grant works at an ice cream shop).

A plateful or two of appetizers at a party. Gingerbread cookies. Fudge. Before I knew it, a little indulgence and a few nibbles became a habit. And now the hard role of reversal is mine.

As I begin to press through this issue of zipping my jeans without waging war, it comes to heart that this physical thing is like what happens in my thought life in regard to sin.

If I become careless with my thinking, not-good things can move right in. Maybe it’s just a smidgen of anger. Or a single strand of negative thought.

Maybe I’m coveting or am critical or am holding some other thought that isn’t pleasing to the Lord. It could even be a small, sharp fragment of doubt or fear.

Whatever the issue, the seeds can start small, but if I’m not careful, they sprout and grow, and soon the battle for my mind is a not-so-small deal.

It’s so much easier to wrangle these thoughts when they’re young and take them captive to obey Christ! It’s so much easier to protect my heart if I can reject these thoughts in the beginning, before they take root in my life.

I step off the scale and think about how to shimmy a run into the busy schedule of my day. I wish I’d been more disciplined over the past few weeks. But this experience holds value–especially when applied to my mind and my heart. And as I prepare to begin the day, I lift an earnest prayer:

Lord, help me to guard my thought life in this new year. Help me to be a careful thinker and to release any thought-indulgences, early on, that are not pleasing to you. Amen.

A New Road, A Second Chance at Life

Content provided by Good Samaritan Society.

In the video above, George Rosch talks about his new life’s purpose.

George Rosch lay sprawled on the ground for a few seconds before trying to move. Moments before, he’d been on the top of a semi tanker, trying to release expanding pressure from the oil within. But he was too late. The oil blew, and it knocked George off the top of his rig, shattering his world.

“I was a truck driver, I drove truck for 30 years. I’m proud of the fact that I had over a million miles accident free.” But his fall from the top of the tanker ended that spotless driving career and landed him in a wheelchair.

The Road Back

The road back hasn’t been an easy one. George spent a week in the hospital while doctors stabilized him and assessed the damage to his brain, neck, spine and back. After two surgeries to fuse vertebrae in his neck and disks in his spine to relieve nerve pain, George had to completely retrain his 64-year-old brain and body to be self-sufficient.

Over the course of the year after his accident, however, he grew anxious and insecure. His speech began to slur, and he became increasingly forgetful. Surgery — one of many — helped balance George’s emotional ups and downs but left him unable to walk. His brain couldn’t tell his legs what to do.

“I can relate to what others
are going through and
understand their pains and
struggles,” says George Rosch.
“In the end, I just want to inspire
people and lift their spirits up.”

Besides not being able to walk, George also has vision problems. “I have a vision issue — I can’t track. I have balance problems, so I can’t walk. Short-term memory loss, too. Let’s see, I had bad headaches, pain, I still experience numbness in my legs,” George says.

A Second Chance

George gained a new appreciation for life during his stint at a post-acute rehabilitation center. Not only did he get his strength back, but he also was given the encouragement he needed from his caregivers.

“That’s what helped me to deal with the emotional part, and to find the acceptance I needed to move on with my life,” he says. “I found purpose in my life.” It took three months for George to sharpen up his memory, regain strength and learn to manuever his wheelchair.

A New Life

George is now a greeter in a nursing home in New Hope, Minnesota. Because of his experience, he can relate to people who walk in the door. Some people need a little guidance and inspiration to lift their spirits up.

“Being here, I found my purpose in life.” – George Rosch, on volunteering

Carol Hamilton is one of those people. A broken foot caused her to cross paths with George. A warm conversation with George made her feel right at home in her new surroundings.

“You get to visit with him during meal times or if you see him in the hall, you just say, ‘Hi George, how are you doing today?’” Carol says, as she and George share a laugh. George says his purpose in life now is to help others — to help them see they will get better and to believe in themselves.

“I’m so excited about my life here,” George says. “It just means the world to me, and this is my life. I look forward to getting up in the morning and coming to work. This is my job now.”

An Easter Sunday Miracle

You guys know why you’re here, right?” I strode across the wood floor and spread my arms. The kids in the room stood with their backs hunched, eyes downcast to avoid looking at the wall lined with mirrors. I could see their anxiety.

It reminded me of how I’d felt as a little girl on Good Friday. I’d loved going to church. Except for Good Friday. The pre-Easter service filled me with dread. The sanctuary was dark, the cross in the center covered with a shroud. There was no singing or communal Eucharist. Everyone was solemn and silent.

Kind of like the kids in front of me at the dance studio. Lord, help me show them the truth about who they are. I asked. Like you helped me with Chris.

Anne with her son, Chris
Ann with her son, Chris

Chris was my 18-year-old son. “He’s going to be a basketball player!” a friend exclaimed the first time she saw him as a toddler. Other friends told me that his long fingers meant he was destined to be a pianist or a swimmer. Sweet compliments. But inside I knew. Something wasn’t right.

I’d known about Marfan syndrome, a rare genetic disorder that affects the body’s connective tissue, for years. As a little girl, I’d had an unusual celebrity crush…on Abraham Lincoln. I’d read that experts believed he may have suffered from Marfan, which would explain his gangly body.

At the time, there was no genetic test to confirm whether Chris had the disorder. Doctors gave me conflicting opinions. All any of us could do was wait for symptoms to manifest. And manifest they did. Chris’s eyesight was poor. His spine began to curve. By the time he was six, it was official. Chris had Marfan syndrome.

The trajectory of my life changed with his diagnosis. Before having Chris, I’d been an award-winning dancer, singer and actress. I’d made my Broadway debut in Cabaret at age 19, and the legendary choreographer Bob Fosse soon became my mentor. I went on to star in shows like A Chorus Line, Chicago and Sweet Charity and in movies such as Annie and All That Jazz. But when I got pregnant, I was ready to retire. My husband and I were then living in Florida, and I was running the Broadway Theater Project, a performance program for high school students.

Marfan changed everything. I needed to go back to work to provide for Chris’s care; the situation became even more urgent after his father and I divorced. Only one place had the best performance opportunities and medical care in the world. I moved back to New York City with Chris. He had one procedure after another. Physical therapy. Heart monitoring. Scoliosis required rods to be put in his back. Four operations on his right leg. Three eye surgeries. More back surgeries. Surgery to replace part of his aorta, the large artery that carries blood away from the heart.

Medically, our move to New York made sense. Spiritually I struggled. I missed our Florida church community. Marfan magnified the normal anxieties of motherhood until they threatened to overwhelm me. Chris looked different from other kids. Would he be able to make friends? Would he find a place where he belonged?

I wanted Chris to have a haven to turn to when life got tough, and for me that haven had always been my faith and the church. I wanted him to feel the somber dread of Good Friday and experience the joy of Easter Sunday, when the shroud was lifted and the sanctuary covered in flowers. I remembered exclaiming to my mother when I was little, “How did they do this? It was so sad on Friday. And now it is wonderful!” I’d thought it was a miracle.

Now I needed another miracle—for myself and for my son. If we were really going to make New York home, we needed to find a spiritual community.

I enrolled Chris in Sunday school at the Church of Heavenly Rest, on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. The first time I walked up to the church to drop him off, I felt that Good Friday dread welling up inside. What if someone made fun of Chris? What if the teacher didn’t reach out to him?

The moment I walked through the imposing wooden doors, I was greeted by a woman. “I’m Pippa!” she said brightly. “And who is this little guy?”

He clung to me. “This is Chris,” I said.

Pippa walked us to Chris’s class and introduced me to his teacher. “He’s in good hands,” she assured me.

I had my doubts. Chris stood out. He was taller than the other kids and looked older. Would they accept him? Would the priests know how to interact with someone so different? Chris seemed to like school, but I still worried.

On Palm Sunday, my nerves were at an all-time high. The church was celebrating by giving each parishioner a palm and having us march in a parade around the block.

“Can I walk with the other kids?” Chris asked. I nodded, trying not to let my worry show. What if they ignored him? Or, worse, mocked him?

I took a palm from the priest and stepped onto the sidewalk. The sidewalk was crowded. I clutched the palm in my hands and stood on tiptoe, keeping an eye on Chris. He was ahead of me with a few other kids.

The procession was led by a man holding a banner. Behind him, choir members in long red and white robes rang bells as they walked. The younger children had maracas and shook them as they ran down the sidewalk. All I could think about was Chris. I craned my head to get a glimpse of him. Was he okay? What if he was looking for me?

He was talking with some of the kids. At one point, the teacher leaned down to say something and Chris laughed.

“He fits right in,” Pippa said.

I held the palm to my heart and watched as my son exchanged smiles with his new friends. He had found a place where he belonged. In fact, we both had. My Easter miracle had arrived a week early.

During Chris’s teenage years, when the differences in his appearance became starker, our church friends made sure there was a place for him. He took confirmation classes with his friends and was confirmed at age 14. He played Lazarus in the church play. He carefully set bananas at each plate when the church served meals for the less fortunate. He was never the odd man out.

Walking down the street, I’d sometimes hear people whisper, “What is wrong with that kid?” At church, no one whispered or stared. Chris was accepted—and loved—just as God made him.

Our church community’s embrace of Chris’s differences inspired me to celebrate beauty and uniqueness wherever I found it. That’s how I’d ended up in that room full of frightened teenagers—at a national conference of The Marfan Foundation.

Those teens were there because I had choreographed a dance specifically for them. My background as a dancer helped me see the beauty of elongated figures. Part of a choreographer’s job is creating the right dance for the dancer’s body. I’d trained for this special assignment my whole life! I choreographed a dance that would highlight the long-stemmed and lithe bodies of Marfan kids.

“You know why you’re here?” I asked. “You’re here to celebrate the beauty and grace of your bodies. You’re here because you’re unique and beautiful. If you were a Giacometti or Modigliani, you’d be worth millions of dollars!”

No one moved.

“Can anybody here make their knees go flat on the ground?” I asked. “It’s a lovely move. Chris, can you show them?”

Chris smiled and dropped to the floor. He lay down with his knees together and his lower legs straight out to each side in an L shape. Because Marfan had given him flexible joints, his knees stayed flat against the floor.

“Can anybody else do that?” I asked. A couple kids nodded. “Wonderful! Let’s get to work.”

I spent a week working with the kids, watching them dance and laugh and become close friends. On our final day together, we filmed the dance for a documentary being made about Marfan syndrome.

Choreographing that dance was like Easter Sunday all over again. I found beauty and joy in the disorder that had once filled me with anxiety and dread. Dance is all about taking what you have and making it work. That’s what life is all about too. My son, and my faith, remind me of that day after day.

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Andrew Zimmern: The Road to Recovery

I sat down on the bed next to Jimmy, this small room at the veterans residential care facility the only thing between him and the streets of New York City. His demeanor was guarded. He smiled, but his eyes were tired.

I knew he thought there was no way I could understand what he was going through, but when I looked at him I saw myself—like I was looking in a mirror.

I get asked to speak to a lot of different groups, one of the best parts of my job hosting a show on the Travel Channel, Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. I take viewers to the far corners of the globe and introduce them to other cultures by exploring the foods they eat—at times, pretty strange stuff.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned after a lifetime of dining on delicacies like blood pudding, sea squirts and camel kidneys, even folks who wouldn’t come within 100 yards of a Cambodian tarantula want to hear what it’s like to chomp on one!

That, ostensibly, was why I was here. I was speaking at a fund-raising gala for Services for the Underserved. SUS helps people with developmental disabilities, HIV/AIDS , the mentally ill and homeless veterans.

It’s an organization devoted to supplying housing and supportive services to all of the underserved communities of NYC. I’d come into town on the early side so I could tour their residential facilities for veterans.

I’d met Jimmy in the common room. We struck up a conversation and I asked if I could see where he lived.

“I’ve made a mess of my life,” he said. He told me how for years he’d struggled with physical and emotional problems, lost his marriage and his business. “I had nothing to live for. It just seemed so hopeless before I got help here at SUS.”

“I’ve been there,” I said, my voice just a whisper. “And not that long ago.”

I thought back to that day in New York City, early January of 1992. I’d checked into a cheap hotel with a case of vodka in large plastic bottles. “I had a plan. I was going to drink myself to death,” I said. Jimmy looked at me, his eyes wide.

I was 30. Everyone, my friends, my business partners, my family, had wisely turned their backs on me. My once-promising career as a chef and restaurateur was trashed. I’d spent most of the previous year squatting in an abandoned building, living with other drunks and junkies.

I didn’t believe in anything or anyone, including myself, and least of all in a Higher Power. The only thing I had faith in was the bottle.

I’d dreamed of being in the food business from the moment my globetrotting parents introduced me to the foods of the world during childhood trips to Europe and Asia.

I worked my way up the food chain, beginning with summer jobs in high school, then on to unpaid apprenticeships in restaurants in Italy and France, then to restaurants back home as a cook, then sous chef, executive chef and finally to a partnership in a foodservices development company and consulting group.

I’d worked in some of the best kitchens in the world, with some of the best chefs in the business.

Outside the kitchen my life was spiraling downward. I told myself I was in control, that I wasn’t really addicted at all. I used heroin to come down from coke, alcohol to moderate the pills. I had it all figured out.

But after a decade of this, my friends, people with successful careers and families, no longer wanted to go out when I called. No longer let me crash on their couches. No longer took my calls. More and more the people I hung out with were other drunks and addicts.

Jimmy nodded. “Yeah,” he said softly. “At first you don’t care. You just want to get high. But then…then it’s too late.” He stood up and walked to a dresser, framed pictures of a smiling family atop it. He pointed to a photo of a handsome young boy.

“My son,” he said. “He’s a great kid. I didn’t see him for years until I got the new start here.” He looked back at me and wiped a hand across his eyes.

“I know how you feel, Jimmy.” He sat back down and I continued my story.

I was walking a tightrope. I got kicked out of my apartment, then another one. One morning a restaurant owner I was consulting with found me passed out on the floor of his establishment.

“This isn’t working,” my partners finally told me. “We’re through, Andrew.” I was screwing up my own life but they weren’t about to let me screw up theirs.

That night I went to a dive bar, drank myself senseless, then followed a group of drunks back to the building they were squatting in, in lower Manhattan. I stayed there for almost a year, watching all hope drain out of my life. I was a loser. I couldn’t take it any more.

That’s when I went to the flophouse. I lay in bed and guzzled vodka till I passed out, woke up and started again. Days went by. I was down to my last bottles of booze. I couldn’t understand it. I had nothing to live for. Why was I still alive?

Then one morning my eyes slowly, groggily opened. There was the bed. And the floor littered with empty bottles. But…everything was different. I couldn’t explain it, but it was as if someone turned a light on. Was it hope? Was it real?

The Ace bandage of anxiety and misery I wore around my chest wasn’t there. The ache to make the day go away wasn’t there. The fear just wasn’t there, for the first time in 15 years.

I grabbed the phone and called the only person I could think of who might listen to me, a publisher who’d been my best friend for 20 years.

“I need help,” I pleaded. “Please. Please come get me.”

“Don’t go anywhere,” he said. “I’ll be there in half an hour.”

I had escaped that hotel with my life, but I was still an addict. By the time I got to my friend’s house I was already backpedaling, scheming, telling him I didn’t need anything more than a loan. I could fix my problems.

The next morning, not five minutes after he left for work, I broke into his liquor cabinet. This time I would stay in control.

Each day for three days he asked me what I was going to do. He asked me to meet with another friend who’d been sober for a year or two. I agreed to meet her at a restaurant for coffee. When I got to the restaurant the back room was packed—filled with people I’d thought had long since forgotten me.

“We’re taking you to the airport,” one friend said. “You’ve been admitted to a Hazelden treatment center in Minnesota. They’ll be able to give you the help you need.”

Jimmy slapped his hand on the bed. “You had an intervention,” he said. “Me too, once. But it didn’t take.”

Mine either, at least at first. I went willingly to the airport because I had nowhere else to go, but after several days in treatment I was a mess.

All I kept hearing about was a spiritual solution to my human problem, a new way of living that would put my life on a different footing, if only I could find a way to turn my life over to a power greater than myself. Seriously? I was supposed to believe there was someone out there looking out for me?

C’mon. If there was an almighty anything in charge, he was doing a pretty lousy job. So day after day I filled the pages of my workbook where I was supposed to write my feelings with one word: HOPELESS .

One day my counselor came into my room. “I know you don’t believe in anything, let alone a God who is personal to you, Andrew. I get that. But you better find something you can believe in or we’re just wasting each other’s time here.” Then he turned and left.

Were they going to kick me out? I was in Minnesota in the middle of winter! I didn’t have any place to go. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with a terrifying sense of desperation, of utter separation from the world, of complete isolation.

Once again the rules had been laid out. Find a Higher Power, and you will get well. And once again I knew that the solution to the problem would elude me.

I walked outside and stared up at a tree near the building, its skeletal branches stretching toward the sky. “If you’re out there, you’re going to have to show me something,” I said, looking up, begging. “I need to know I can really do this. That you’ll be there for me. You have to show me something, anything.”

I was from New York. I needed something real, like a burning bush.

But all I heard was the freezing wind whistling through the branches.

I went inside. It was dinnertime. I sat down next to a guy I recognized from the in-house meetings. I didn’t know him well. He nodded. “How’s it going?” he said. More like a grunt really. I doubted if he cared.

“I don’t know,” I said. “This stuff just doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, I can’t believe…”

“Look,” he interrupted, somewhat rudely, I thought. “Recovery is like a recipe. There’s the twelve steps, there’s God and there’s you. Put them together and maybe you can stay sober.”

I explained I didn’t know how to find God, and he told me about the promises of the 12 Steps. That by following Good Orderly Direction and the wisdom of the sober community I would come to believe. I didn’t need to believe at that moment, I just needed to believe in a future where I would.

I didn’t know if I should feel insulted or enlightened. There was a recipe. I could understand that. A phrase I’d heard over and over, “Keep it simple,” finally made sense. Read the instructions and follow the recipe. Stop fighting it. It all came together in an instant.

“No, Jimmy,” I said. “I didn’t get a burning bush. I got a grumpy dude who finally got through to me by saying the thing I needed most at the exact moment I needed to hear it. It saved my life.”

I put my arm around Jimmy. His eyes turned to the pictures of his family. “They haven’t forgotten you,” I said. “They’re just waiting. Don’t give up. It gets better. Way better. Even if you can’t imagine how.”

We walked back to the common room together. “Thanks,” he said. “I’m grateful that you came by. I was a soldier once. I’m not going to give up.”

I don’t know what happened to Jimmy. I haven’t seen him since, though I pray often for him. I am grateful every time I can share my story with another addict or alcoholic.

I am grateful to have my life back and for the friends and family who never gave up on me, for a God who was there when I was ready to find him. I am grateful for so much, that every day, one day at a time, is Thanksgiving.

Andie MacDowell on Small-Town Roots

The first thing I thought when I read the script for the Hallmark Channel series Debbie Macomber’s Cedar Cove was, I know this place.

I was being offered the lead role, the part of Judge Olivia Lockhart, and there was a lot about her that resonated with me: her strength, her desire to do the right thing, her compassion, her dedication to her job.

But more than all that, I knew the small town she lived in. And I know, deep in my heart and soul, the wonders and blessings of such places. If you grew up in a small town, like I did, you might travel far away, even move to a big city for work, like I did, but you’re never really far from your roots.

My hometown of Gaffney, in upcountry South Carolina, with its blossoming peach trees and Southern drawls, is thousands of miles from the mist-shrouded coast of the Pacific Northwest, where the fictional Cedar Cove sits, but they have that same small-town spirit.

Take a walk down Main Street and you’ll find a diner with good down-home cooking and a waitress who knows what you’re having without even asking, a barbershop where every play in the Friday night football game is dissected and debated, a town square with a bronze statue of a local hero.

What I learned in Gaffney is that people always make time for each other. You don’t just wave and walk on by. You stop and chat…and chat…and chat some more.

If someone gets sick, neighbors rally round them. If a historic oak tree, rumored to have been there since before the Revolutionary War, is threatened by highway development, everybody signs petitions and writes letters to the town paper until that road gets rerouted.

In a small town everyone knows you. Folks in Gaffney would stop me on the street. “Rosie, how are you?” “Rosie, tell me about your mother,” “Rosie, are you and your sisters going up to Asheville again for the summer?” they would say, calling me by my given name (I was christened Rosalie Anderson MacDowell).

There were times, especially when I was a teenager, that I wondered why everyone had to know each other’s business. Now I’m so grateful for small-town friendliness. I’d go so far as to say it’s lifesaving.

Isolation is one of the great sorrows of our modern world and loneliness is the cause of more suffering than anyone knows. Slowing down (better yet, sitting down for a spell) and sharing your news, good or bad, definitely keeps you connected.

It’s important for us, as spiritual beings, to feel as if we belong somewhere, that we’re part of a community, where we care for each other and stand up for each other.

And where we celebrate together too. In Gaffney we had Easter egg hunts in the park. Veteran’s Appreciation Day. On the Fourth of July kids decorated their bikes with red, white and blue streamers and rode in the town parade.

We had hayrides come autumn, and at Christmas everyone had a role in the pageant (there were lots of little angels with paper wings and tinfoil halos).

Then again, every Sunday felt like a holiday, a special time set off from the rest of the week. Mom played the organ at church, and I loved being there with her before the congregation arrived, listening to her practice. Those were some of the sweetest moments of my childhood.

She died when I was 23, but I can still hear the hymns she played, the music echoing off the church walls. Songs like “In the Garden,” “For the Beauty of the Earth” and “O For a Closer Walk With God,” that will stay in my heart forever.

After church, my grandmother—we called her Mimi—would have the whole extended family over for Sunday dinner (she was a wonderful cook).

Summer days seemed to go on forever, in the best possible way. My sisters and I played kick the can until it got dark, when we would catch lightning bugs. We picked the plums off the plum tree so Mom could make jam.

When we went to stay at Mimi’s summerhouse in the mountains of Asheville, North Carolina, we swam in a freshwater pool across the road, where the water was so cold we screamed when we jumped in, but then could never be coaxed out.

Mimi put our towels on the boxwood hedge as a sign that it was time to come inside.

We put on plays in the garage that we wrote ourselves and we went around the neighborhood selling tickets for a penny apiece.

We hardly wore shoes all summer except to go to church or the library. I’d wander barefoot down the wide sidewalks, into neighbors’ backyards and their houses if I needed a glass of water or sweet tea.

I can’t think of anyone who ever locked their doors, and when I read the script for Cedar Cove I had to laugh at the moment when Olivia teases the newcomer in town, a newspaper editor, for locking his car.

Are there still places where people trust each other enough to leave their doors open? Are there still small towns where neighbors drop by just to share their homemade peach cobbler? By my thirties I had pretty much decided places like that belonged to a bygone era.

I’d moved from the South to make my career in the entertainment business. In New York and Los Angeles life was hurried and harried. People came and went, work their top priority.

My career was important to me (and still is) but I felt like something was missing, something centering. What did I want for my children? What could I give them?

A small town.

I found one in Montana, a speck of a place in a valley surrounded by snow-covered mountains. I kept the family tradition of making Sundays a special time to come together, slow down and focus on our spiritual lives.

We’d drive into Missoula for church, and then have breakfast at Paul’s Pancake Parlor. At Christmas it was just like back home in Gaffney, houses decorated with lights, kids meeting up on the hill with their sleds.

There’s a little church down a long dirt road that’s only open for the holidays and everyone in the community would pitch in with the Christmas service. My kids sang and I read the Christmas story from Scripture.

Then I found another place like that, right where I had come from.

Well, Asheville isn’t exactly a small town, but many of the blessings I remembered from my childhood still remain. The library, the wide sidewalks, running into people who wanted to stop and chat…and chat…and chat some more.

I had to slow way down. “Rosie, did you hear what happened to…?” Here I was Rosie again.

My kids were the ones decorating their bikes for the Fourth of July parade, hanging out at church with the youth group and taking part in the annual donkey walk on Palm Sunday down to the monument in the park.

And we’d go to those quirky celebrations that are such a part of life in the South, like the White Squirrel Festival in Brevard and Coon Dog Days in Saluda. It’s no wonder the seagull-calling contest in Cedar Cove felt so real to me.

Not everything’s the same in Asheville. The rambling house where Mimi summered is now a bed-and-breakfast and the freshwater pool where my sisters and I swam is long gone, but I can look up at the windows of the room where Mimi slept and remember saying prayers with her every night.

We knelt by her bed, closed our eyes and listened as she prayed for Mom, Dad, our pets, the weather and always for us, knowing that we were blessed by her as much as we were blessed by God.

Of course, you can pray anywhere. But in small towns you always know someone else is praying for you. Someone who stops to ask, “How are you?” and stays to listen to your answer. Someone who knows when you need some of her homemade peach cobbler.

People really feel a sense of belonging and they look out for each other. That’s the biggest blessing of a small town—the people.

Download your FREE ebook, A Prayer for Every Need, by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

An Artist Inspired to Look Ever Upward

What does an angel look like?

I was asking myself this question not long ago at an exhibit on turn-of-the-last-century painter Henry Ossawa Tanner at the Pennsylvania Academy of the Fine Arts (the stunning retrospective moves to Cincinnati Art Museum in May and the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston in October).

Tanner has always been a favorite of mine ever since I saw his painting of “The Annunciation.” There the angel Gabriel is simply a shaft of light, almost like something from Star Wars. It trembles before a realistically youthful Mary in the corner of a Galilean house, the bedclothes crumpled at her feet.

No pretty cherub with wings and a lily, this electric bolt gets an immediate response. You can see it in Mary’s expression, a combination of terror and awe. Why would God send his angel to her? Why was she of all women chosen?

It’s as though this brilliant messenger has just told her “Fear not,” and the message is slowly dawning on her.

Evidently Tanner used his own wife as a model for Mary, and here you get a glimpse of his own poignant story. She was white. He was black, his father a bishop in the AME church. His mother was a former slave who escaped through the Underground Railroad.

Born in Pittsburgh in 1859, Tanner spent the bulk of his career in France. He exhibited year after year at the Paris salon where he won prizes and international fame. Americans collected him and promoted his work.

But in that era he never would have prospered if he had stayed in his homeland. As he once observed, if he were walking in an American city with his blond-haired son, he’d be mistaken for the boy’s servant.

At first when he arrived in Paris in 1891, he did some black genre paintings, but most of his work is drawn from the Bible. That was a good professional choice. Biblical scenes were popular at the time, as the curator of the exhibit, Anna Marley, told me.

But there was nothing cynical about his approach. Tanner is that rare modern artist, both religious and spiritual, a mystic and realist.

Take his picture of Jesus appearing to Nicodemus on a Judean rooftop in the middle of the night. In an early sketch he drew a halo above Jesus’s head, but in the finished version, he shows the transforming power of Jesus with golden light illuminating his face and chest.

In the painting that first won Tanner fame, “The Resurrection of Lazarus,” he made sure that Jesus appears as a man who felt his followers’ pain. After all, this comes on the heels of that shortest-verse-of-the-Bible moment when “Jesus wept.”

Like his father the bishop and scholar, Tanner revisited Biblical passages to mine them for their meaning. One scene he painted again and again was Mary and Joseph’s flight into Egypt, the two escaping in blue-lit shadows through rough terrain.

Was this a reference to his own flight from his native country? Perhaps.

He painted Daniel in the lions den twice, a meditation on imprisonment and slavery. After all, Tanner was born before the Emancipation Proclamation and lived through the sorrow of the Jim Crow laws.

And yet there is always hope in a Tanner picture. One of my favorites, the last painting he ever did, in 1936, is “The Return from the Crucifixion.”

Mary and the disciple John’s face are shrouded in sorrow and misery, but the sky behind them is dazzling with purple, blue and gold. It is as though Tanner is saying, “Look up. The story isn’t finished yet. Something glorious is still ahead. Just wait. It’s going to happen soon.”

Tanner made many trips to the Holy Land to give verisimilitude to his work. He did countless sketches of clothes, buildings, landscapes, but the world his work inhabits is one of a mystical space beyond time and place.

When he painted Jesus walking on the water of Galilee, the water shimmers brighter than the heavens. If the disciples would only look to it they would see the beauty of the world rather than their fears.

When he painted the shepherds in their fields watching their flocks by night, he did it from the sky. He takes a viewpoint among the angels, looking through their diaphanous wings.

What does an angel look like? I found the most satisfying answer to that question in Tanner’s painting of the three Marys on Easter morning.

The wall of the city of Jerusalem is just barely visible in the background and the light of dawn is just appearing. The women are shocked and amazed. The heavy stone at the tomb has been rolled away, the body is no longer there. What has happened?

The angel says to them, “Fear not, for I know that ye seek Jesus which is crucified. He is not here for he is risen.” According to the Bible, this angel had a countenance “like lightning and his raiment white as snow.”

But Tanner doesn’t show the angel. What you know about him is the wonder and joy in the women’s faces, the radiant light illuminating their clothes and hands.

How do you see an angel? You see him in those whose lives have been changed forever when they met him and heard him say “Fear not.”

Tanner suffered through an era of terrible prejudice and bigotry. In one devastating example he told of being kicked off an American streetcar in a raging snowstorm because he and his mother were black. But he did not remain bitter.

What he finally had to communicate was the good news. Fear not. Look to the sky. There is hope. Easter has come.

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An Angelic Travel Companion

Travel was a big part of my job as an office trainer. As I maneuvered down the aisle of the crowded airplane, my mind drifted to other trips I’d taken: New York, Washington, overseas…

It was in Holland—at a tulip festival—that my husband, Craig, proposed. Even now, 12 years after his death, tulips always made me think of him.

I reached my row, where a middle-aged lady was already seated on the aisle. “I’ve got the window,” I said. She moved aside to let me climb in, apologizing for her bag. “No problem,” I said.

I hope she’s not chatty, I thought as I pushed my own bag under the seat in front of me. The one thing I hated while traveling was a seatmate who talked too much. Our flight from Boise to Portland was only an hour, and I planned to spend most of it sleeping. “Are you heading home today?” the woman asked.

“No,” I said. “I live in Boise, but I’m flying on business.”

“I’m on my way back to Alaska,” she said. “I just attended my high school reunion. Forty years. I can hardly believe it!”

That made me think of my own anniversary. It was still months away, but this year would have been our twentieth. A milestone. I tried to distract myself from feeling sad by listening to my seatmate. She was going on and on about her reunion.

“The city’s changed a lot since I lived here,” she said. “I guess I’ve changed a lot too. I got divorced a few years ago, and I felt like I had to start my whole life over.”

“I felt that way after my husband died,” I said. “I’m DJ, by the way.”

“I’m Karen.”

We talked all the way to Portland. I never would have imagined myself sharing details of my life with a stranger, but Karen just made me feel comfortable. When the captain announced our arrival I was almost disappointed! Karen put up her tray table to get ready for landing.

“What a cute bracelet you’re wearing,” I said.

“Isn’t it fun? I got it at the Saturday market downtown. It’s made of spoons!” She slipped it off to show it to me. I turned it over in my hand, running a finger over the floral pattern along the edges, and the little butterfly charm that dangled from the place where the two spoon handles joined.

Craig loved craft fairs. This bracelet was just the type of thing he might have picked up for me. Of course, he probably would have looked for a tulip pattern. “It’s really nice,” I said, handing the bracelet back to Karen.

“I wish I would have gotten a couple more for my daughters,” she said wistfully. “I wonder if the seller has a web site.”

“I could find out for you,” I surprised myself by saying. What am I doing? I didn’t even like talking to people I met on planes. Now I was offering to track down craft jewelry for one? It was completely out of character for me. But now that I’d offered, I couldn’t back down.

“I’ll stop by the booth when I get back to Boise,” I said. “Give me your e-mail and I’ll let you know what I find out.”

“Thank you so much!” said Karen. She was so happy, I knew I’d done the right thing, strange as it was.

She jotted down her e-mail, and I warned her I probably wouldn’t get to the fair for a few weeks. “That would be fine,” she said. “This is just wonderful! I’m so thankful to have met you. If you’re ever in Alaska, you’ve got a place to stay!”

“I just might take you up on that,” I said. She really had been a delightful companion.

My business trip went well, and I returned home to Boise. On a warm and sunny Saturday I went down to the market to fulfill my promise. Almost right away I found the booth selling spoon jewelry. I browsed the display, checking out earrings, necklaces and rings as well as bracelets like Karen’s.

“See anything you like?” asked the seller.

“I’m not really shopping for myself,” I said. “I promised a friend I’d find out if you have a web site.”

“Sorry, we don’t,” she said. “But take my card. If your friend gives me an e-mail address I can send her some pictures.”

It wasn’t perfect, but it was the best I could do. I took the card. The seller turned to help another customer. I lingered at the booth, admiring the jewelry. They really are cute, I thought, slipping a bracelet on for size. But I guess it’s not really for me….

That’s when I spotted it: a bracelet like Karen’s, only this one was engraved with tulips. Tulips! “I’ll take this one,” I said, holding it up to one of the vendors in the booth.

“Is this a gift?” he asked as he wrote out my receipt.

“Yes,” I said. “A gift for me.” An angel had surely led me to it, since Craig couldn’t pick up an anniversary gift himself.

The vendor polished the bracelet until it shone, then pointed to the empty loop that connected the two spoon handles. “You get to pick out a charm,” he said. He held up a selection. I looked over the butterflies and teddy bears.

Then my eye fell on a charm up in the corner of the case: a heart with a pair of wings. “That’s the one,” I said.

I fastened the bracelet on my wrist. The tulips sparkled in the sun, the winged heart dangling between them. It was a gift of love brought on the wings of an angel—and the wings of an airplane, thanks to my delightful companion.

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An Alzheimer’s Caregiver Learns a New Way to Love

Our lost year. Looking back, that’s what I consider it, that first year after my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. A gerontologist at the Cleveland Clinic broke the news to us one afternoon in January 2012. “Bob has what’s known as early-onset Alzheimer’s,” he told us.

I was stunned. Yes, Bob had been having some memory lapses and uncharacteristic moments of anger—worrisome enough that he’d undergone neurological testing at the clinic—but I thought it was because he was spreading himself too thin with work, volunteering and his Bible study at church. He’d never had major health issues. There was no history of dementia in his family. And he was only 58!

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You’ve probably heard people say 60 is the new 50. Bob and I definitely felt that way. We were in the prime of our lives. Our two sons were grown, and this was supposed to be our time to pursue our own interests. There was still so much we wanted to accomplish.

That’s why both of us worked multiple jobs. Bob loved his career in broadcasting. He had a number-one-rated radio talk show on WTAM every Saturday morning. Once a week he hosted the Ohio Lottery drawing on live TV—everyone in Cleveland knew him for that.

I was a manager for a nonprofit organization that served refugees resettling in our area. Then there was the creative work we were proudest of—the videos and award-winning documentaries we made together.

Even though we were partners, we each focused on the aspects of the business that we did best. I handled the research and writing. Bob was the cameraman, editor and all-around tech guy.

Whoever was most passionate about a particular project would take the lead on it. I was in charge of a documentary about the stories in quilts. Bob drove the ones about baseball in Cleveland. Our offices were across the hall from each other, but we got together when we needed to.

That was also the secret to our successful marriage of 37 years: Each of us was able to maintain independence and find fulfillment within our partnership. We weren’t attached to traditional roles in our marriage.

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Bob always encouraged me to pursue my professional goals, and he didn’t shy away from housework or taking care of the boys. He was even willing to put my career ahead of his. When I was working with a nonprofit based in Washington, D.C. (and commuting there regularly), our older son was in kindergarten only half days. Bob watched him the rest of the day so I could focus on my job.

Honestly, Bob was more of a natural caregiver than I was. He was that ideal mix of optimistic, dependable and easygoing. Nothing ever seemed to faze him. If the boys acted out, if some glitch happened on air, if I got aggravated, Bob rarely showed a hint of frustration (that’s why I got concerned that he’d started yelling lately when he misplaced something or couldn’t load a program).

I wasn’t even-keeled like that. I was prone to worrying, overthinking things and getting overwhelmed.

Which was exactly what happened after Bob received his diagnosis.

“I can’t say with certainty how quickly his memory and cognitive abilities will decline,” the Cleveland Clinic specialist continued. “Every patient is different. There are medications that may slow the disease. But there will come a point—sooner rather than later—when Bob won’t be able to work. Eventually he will likely need full-time care.”

Bob nodded, looking pensive. Did he understand the ramifications of what the doctor was saying? I couldn’t tell.

I felt sick. The work Bob loved depended on his verbal fluency and quick thinking. How incredibly cruel that those were the skills Alzheimer’s was already eroding. Even someone as easygoing as Bob would be devastated to lose the career he’d devoted himself to for decades. And if he broke down, that would break me.

The drive home was a blur. It was only mid-afternoon but I went straight to bed. I didn’t want to move. Didn’t want to think about what was going to happen to Bob, to us.

Bob sat beside me and held my hand. “What’s wrong?” he asked. There he was, putting me first, trying to take care of me, like always. That made me feel even worse. I pressed my face into my pillow. I wanted to be alone with my tears. But I couldn’t tell Bob that.

Soon after, I told my boss I needed to take an indefinite leave of absence. I felt I had to fill him in on Bob’s diagnosis, but I kept it a secret from everyone else. If Bob’s condition became public knowledge, I was pretty sure he’d be let go. Our health insurance came through his job with the lottery, and we couldn’t afford to lose it or our primary income just yet. I had to come up with a plan.

READ MORE: HOW TO AVOID CAREGIVER BURNOUT

But I couldn’t. I was paralyzed by anxiety and depression, unable to figure out what to do first. Should we try to work more while Bob was still able, to build a financial cushion? Or less, because of the added stress? What were our medical choices? What were we legally bound to tell Bob’s employers?

Bob was happy most of the time. He never missed his weekly Bible study. He was still going to work at the television studio and the radio station. I was thankful for that. But part of me was waiting for the other shoe to drop. When would he make a mistake on the air? Would he end up being publicly humiliated? I could tell he wasn’t quite on top of everything—could others?

Meanwhile, I was barely functioning. Some days I would lie in bed, replaying what the doctor had told us. Sooner rather than later. Those words echoed in my head like a death knell. The death of the future Bob and I had imagined. The death of the wonderful, creative work we did together. It was as if I were grieving an incalculable loss, one that hadn’t happened yet but I knew was inevitable.

I couldn’t talk to Bob about it. Our sons knew about his diagnosis, but I didn’t want to burden them with my issues too. I couldn’t tell our friends what was going on. I’d never felt so alone.

One evening Bob came home from drawing the lottery numbers and found me crying. His cheerful expression collapsed. “You’re sad all the time, Luanne,” he said. “How come I can’t make you feel better?”

His distress cut through the haze I’d been living in. These days Bob’s mood was heavily influenced by mine. No matter how sad I felt, I couldn’t let depression overwhelm me. I couldn’t bring him down.

READ MORE: A MOTHER CARING FOR A MOTHER

My most important job now was to be Bob’s caregiver. Not something that came easily or naturally to me. God, help me to be the kind of partner Bob has always been in our marriage, I asked. To put him first. To give him the care, comfort and love he needs.

I went into research mode. I looked up everything I could online. I called the local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association. The woman who answered told me Bob could qualify for Social Security through a program that extends benefits to people with chronic diseases. She took down our address to send us some brochures.

“We also have a support group for people with early-onset Alzheimer’s and their spouses,” she said. “You could get a lot of good information there.”

A support group? I didn’t think I could handle sitting around talking about our problems. I’d just get more depressed. I needed to be active, to do something.

From what I’d read, activity would be good for Bob too. That became even more imperative when he lost his job at the radio station as part of a companywide downsizing in March 2012. Then the lottery decided not to renew his contract.

That was somewhat of a relief because I didn’t have to worry so much about hiding his condition. I searched for ways to fill Bob’s day productively, especially while I was at work (I had gone back part time).

I looked into an adult day-care program. The people there were in their seventies and eighties. Bob wouldn’t be into playing bingo and singing songs from our parents’ generation. The Alzheimer’s program at a local nursing home was more promising—people took turns reading aloud and doing simple math problems to maintain cognitive function. Unfortunately it was only for nursing-home residents.

I looked for volunteer work Bob could do, like walking dogs at the animal shelter. But it was too complicated for him to learn which dogs were safe to walk and how to record the walks in a log.

READ MORE: BIBLE VERSES FOR ALZHEIMER’S CAREGIVERS

We began to tell friends about Bob’s Alzheimer’s. They were really supportive, but it wasn’t as if they were free during the week to spend time with him. They had demanding jobs. They were still in the prime of their lives.

That might have been the biggest challenge—transitioning from a very busy, work-focused lifestyle to a much slower one with little stimulation. I couldn’t come up with enough activities to keep Bob occupied. Sometimes I felt trapped at home, and then I felt guilty, as if I was failing as a caregiver. His Bible study was the one respite I got each week.

Going through the materials the woman at the Alzheimer’s Association had sent I came across a note about the support group she’d mentioned. Bob was a people person. He might enjoy the social interaction. At least it was something new we could try.

The group met at a senior center. “I’m so glad you’re here,” Sally, the coordinator, said. “Let me introduce you to everyone.”

Bob was way ahead of her. He went up to a man sitting at a table and stuck out his hand. “I’m Bob Becker,” he said. “Nice to meet you.”

The man’s eyes widened. “I know that voice,” he said. “You’re really him! Bob Becker. I can’t believe it. I’ve been listening to you for years.”

Bob sat down next to him. His whole persona seemed to brighten. We hadn’t been here two minutes and already he’d connected with someone.

There were about 15 of us. Sally asked those with Alzheimer’s, almost all men, to sit in a circle with their spouses behind them. She made eye contact with each of the men and asked, “Tell me something funny you’ve heard.”

“My doctor said, ‘If you’re going to write that novel, now’s the time,’” one man said, chuckling.

“You have to laugh,” another man said. “There’s just so much great material.”

READ MORE: INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES FOR CAREGIVERS

Bob leaned forward, listening, engaged in the conversation.

I looked on in wonder. These men weren’t being ignored, talked down to or pitied. The focus was on them, and they were responding. They felt accepted. Valued.

We moved on to how we could better communicate with our spouses. Tips like speaking in a calm, soothing voice. Going slowly, using simple sentences, not paragraphs. Asking what they wanted to do instead of deciding for them. It was so freeing to let down my guard and discuss my struggles openly.

The other couples talked about activities they did together, trips they were taking. Of course there was frustration. Heartache, even. But their lives weren’t over. Far from it.

Hope surged through me for the first time since Bob’s diagnosis. We weren’t alone in this. I could learn from the others in our group and be the caregiver my husband needed. We could live again.

And we have. Just a few days after that meeting, Bob and I went to the zoo. We hadn’t been there since our boys were little. We took our time, strolling hand in hand, like teenagers on a date. Bob took it all in, laughing at the monkeys’ antics, counting the penguins, reading aloud the fun facts that were posted.

At each fork in the path, I asked him what he wanted to see next. It was a wonderful day. I didn’t feel like a caregiver. I felt like a wife.

We’ve gone so many places since then, sometimes with friends from our support group, sometimes just the two of us. The art museum. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Bowling. Bob and I even took our dream trip to Alaska.

We’re more active now than before the diagnosis. We volunteer together, delivering meals to the elderly. Once a week, we visit that nursing home with the innovative Alzheimer’s program, where I work with two residents and pick up techniques I use with Bob at home.

I no longer feel trapped, even as Alzheimer’s takes its inexorable toll. Bob rarely speaks now. He’s more easily agitated. We rely on our faith even more to bring us peace. Before breakfast, we read from God Still Remembers Me, a book of devotions written by Paul Hornback after he was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s.

We listen to music: the Beatles, the Who, Peter Gabriel. Sometimes we hold each other and sway to the beat. These little moments are when I feel closest to Bob, as close to him as I have ever felt.

“You two seem more like a married couple now than before,” a friend said recently.

I know what she means. Bob and I have lost so much to Alzheimer’s. It truly is a devastating disease. Yet it has also been an unexpected blessing. Instead of each of us running off on our individual pursuits, we have had this time together to discover a new way to love. And to live.

Learn how to capture and preserve memories for your loved one.

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