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How to Cultivate Positive Habits That Last

Posted on by Holly Lebowitz Rossi

What is the best healthy eating plan? How about the most effective fitness routine? Or the self-care schedule that will keep you calm and happy?

The answer to all three of these questions is the same—the “best” positive habits are the ones you are able to practice consistently. In other words, good habits that last must be sustainable in the life you are actually leading, here and now.

That doesn’t mean you should think small when it comes to putting positive habits in place. But it does mean using strategies that will help you discern which goals to pursue—and how—in ways that are built to last.

Here are a few tips for building long-lasting habits: 

1. Try Before You Buy

Before you buy into a new routine or regimen, that is. Recently, a friend was sharing how helpful she had found “intermittent fasting,” an eating pattern that builds periods of fasting into a daily meal schedule. I was intrigued, hearing her reports of heightened energy and less mindless snacking. 

But after a couple of days that included a skipped breakfast and a long, munch-free afternoon, I realized this wasn’t a good fit for me. Taking advice from trusted friends, family members or experts is a great idea—but the ultimate decision about what positive habits will be sustainable for you belongs to you alone.

2. Give It a Chance
Sometimes, the habits you are most motivated to embrace are harder to sustain than you thought. Research shows that it can take an average of 66 days—2 months—for a habit to become ingrained enough to feel routine. Set realistic expectations that a sustainable positive habit might have some “start-up costs” and prepare yourself for an extra investments of time and energy at first.

3. Make One Change at a Time
Good, solid science studies one variable at a time. A research study that examined, for example, indoor air quality in a home, would not be helpful or conclusive if the homeowners installed new air filters into their HVAC system, spent more time with the windows open and started a new daily vacuum routine all at once. If their outcomes improved, who could say which of those changes made the difference? Similarly, when you are looking to make change in your life, focus on one positive habit at a time so you know which habits are improving your quality of life. 

4. Reward Yourself
For some, the satisfaction of doing something positive for yourself is an intrinsic reward. But some of us need to be intentional about the reward for our positive habits. One study even suggested that a small piece of dark chocolate consumed after a workout can boost the feel-good neurotransmitters that come from the fitness activity itself.  Another idea is to get a time-based coffee maker so you are rewarded with a freshly brewed pot of coffee when you wake up on time. Think of ways to reinforce your new positive habits as they take hold in your life.

How do you integrate new habits into your life? Share in the comments below!

How to Cope with Prolonged Grief in the Age of Covid

Posted on by Holly Lebowitz Rossi

I remember when I first heard the term “complicated grief,” a name psychologists use to describe a grieving process that lingers far beyond the initial, acute months following a painful loss. Reflecting on the losses I’d endured in my life, I thought—who could ever call grief un-complicated?

But then I learned that the term actually refers to a specific condition that requires special attention and care. In the age of COVID, with our collective grief over losses both great and obvious and small and invisible, it’s unsurprising that the diagnostic manual psychologists use now has given complicated grief a new name—Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD). 

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The American Psychiatric Association lists symptoms that can indicate this condition including: 

–Emotional numbness
–A sense of disbelief about a loss
–Avoidance of reminders of the person who has died
–Difficulty reintegrating into normal daily activities

These symptoms are normal during the grieving process. As any of us who has lost a loved one can confirm, manifestations of grief sometimes flash to the surface years or even decades after a loss. But PGD could be at work if those feelings are persistent, consistent and intensely disruptive to our well-being and ability to function. 

The sheer volume of loss the world has experienced throughout the pandemic means PGD is emerging for an increasing number of people. The losses of in-person support systems, fully staffed medical care resources and the easy pursuit of pleasurable activities can leave many people feeling trapped in the overwhelmingly painful emotions of grief.

Tashel Bordere, an assistant professor in the department of human development and family science at the University of Missouri, Columbia, told The New York Times a “lack of grief education” is partly to blame for the confusion many people—and even medical practitioners—experience when grief escapes the parameters of social and cultural norms. It makes Dr. Bordere “cringe” that grief is categorized as a “mental disorder” at all, instead of an accepted and normalized aspect of the human experience.

Understanding what PGD might look like empowers mourners to seek help from trained experts who can offer support and hope. Two online resources are:

—The Center for Prolonged Grief (directory of therapists)

—Together While Apart: Information and home assessments for COVID grief

How are you coping with grief during COVID?

How to Cope When a ‘What If…’ Actually Happens

Posted on by Holly Lebowitz Rossi

My husband and I often joke about how grateful we are that we stress out about different things in life. If there’s car trouble, he goes into high-stress mode, but I keep my cool and easily step into problem-solving.

Coping with a here-and-now problem is my strength. My challenge is when the problem hasn’t happened yet, when it lives in the dreaded, amorphous space of “what if….”

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Luckily for my marriage (and my life), my husband is skilled in helping me grow in this area, like helping me prepare for a trip without spiraling into over-packing because of “what ifs” that range from weather to a missed flight.

But in areas both banal (like a trip) and enormous (like, God forbid, a catastrophe or tragedy), sometimes the “what if” worry actually comes to pass. When it does, we—especially those of us who have overactive catastrophic imaginations—can feel unstable and deeply shaken. 

We all need skills at our disposal to find our feet and cope with as much grace and calm as possible when a dreaded thing happens. Here are three that help me:

1)  Call the Anxiety What It Is
Recently, our 11-year-old son contracted Covid-19. As it turned out, he also tested positive for strep throat, and the next week was a whirl of antibiotics (for the strep), too much screen time (for him) and getting used to masking in our own home (for all of us). 

A couple of days in, once the most acute symptoms had passed, I remarked to my husband that I palpably felt my stress level easing. I recognized that I was shifting from “what if…” into “here-and-now” problem-solving. Articulating aloud the anxiety of Covid-anticipation helped me feel calmer and freer going forward.

2)  Repeat After Me: “I Don’t Like This, But I Can Handle It.”
This phrase, which I learned years ago from a therapist, has been a star in the constellation of my anxiety management strategies. When a dreaded something happens, it’s very calming to give yourself permission to be upset, frustrated, afraid or angry—while also reassuring yourself that you can and will find a way through whatever the moment is challenging you to do. This is an example of an authentically positive outlook, because you are not denying what’s hard, you are encouraging yourself to handle the tough stuff.

3)  Think Accurately
A classic mistake that anxious minds make (particularly those of us who tend toward “what if” thinking) is to over-estimate the likelihood that an imagined challenge will actually happen. 

When something in that category does come to pass, that can tempt us toward feeling we were right to fret, confirming our suspicions—and somehow leaving us thinking that worrying will protect or even prepare us from the hard things in life. 

Especially just after you’ve faced a worried-about-but-unexpected challenge, take the time to look carefully at your thinking about other areas of concern in your life. Are you thinking accurately? Are you spending too much time “working” on solving a problem that may or may not happen? Even if the answer is yes, you will empower yourself simply by noticing your tendencies and encouraging your thoughts back toward accuracy and clarity.

Are you a “what if” thinker? How do you handle it when something you were worried about actually happens?

How to Cope in the Midst of Life Changes

Posted on by Nneka M. Okona

We manage transitions throughout our lives, but managing change can be particularly challenging when multiple transitions happen at once.

For me, the complications began a few years ago after I returned from a nine-month stay in Madrid and settled in Washington, D.C. I was excited at the prospect of starting anew after my whirlwind international adventure teaching English, but I quickly found I was ill-prepared for managing multiple transitions at once. I floundered, completely. Not only was I lonely and having difficulty making friends, but I couldn’t find a job. My first month in D.C. I bounced from interview to interview on a high, fully believing I would settle in quickly, only to crash when things didn’t work out the way I planned. I had very little money and no connections to other people other than my father, who I was living with at the time. I only grew more disenchanted as the days passed.

I’d wake up very early, although I’d slept very little the night before; I’d cry for hours at a time, only leaving bed to use the restroom. I didn’t shower, I bypassed eating altogether. I repeated this pattern day after day. I tried to get over the feelings of worthlessness, the panic I felt over leaving the home I’d created for myself in Madrid. But only when I spoke with other friends who were struggling with depression did I start to understand what I was going through. I decided to seek help from a therapist.

Renowned theologian Richard Rohr describes my six-month liminal period more eloquently than I could:

“[W]here we are betwixt and between the familiar and the completely unknown. There alone is our old world left behind, while we are not yet sure of the new existence. That’s a good space where genuine newness can begin […]”

Now, looking back, I can see that the reverse culture shock I was experiencing was an opportunity for the “genuine newness” Rohr mused about. Here are some tips I learned for coping in the midst of transition;

1) Increase and sustain self-care

Self-care is taking care of yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. When life is chaotic or overwhelming, I increase my self-care efforts. My self-care consists of regular sleep, hot cups of tea, journaling, painting, cooking myself a nourishing meal and more. These things help me feel replenished. I listen to what I’m feeling and choose what activity I need that day. Pay attention to what your body is telling you it needs and give yourself those things.

2) Cultivate and lean on circles of support

It’s easy to flounder through transitional phases of life when we try to rely only on ourselves. Yes, self-reliance and self-soothing are important coping skills to have in our lives, but when things get tough, we will need to lean on friends or family for extra support. Our connections with others have the potential to carry us through the valleys in life. Make finding and nurturing those connections a priority.

3) Speak to a licensed professional for extra emotional and psychological help

Speaking to a licensed psychologist bi-weekly made a tremendous difference for me when I struggled in the midst of my transition. It was hard for me to admit I needed help outside of myself to feel more whole. But I was depressed. I had to tend to my mental health. I still view therapy as a needed healing space for me. It’s important to have a safe space to release emotions. Over time therapy has the capacity to shift our lives in ways we don’t have the foresight to see beforehand.

4) Shift your possibility consciousness. Believe that better is possible and coming

The key thing that got me through that time, other than bi-weekly therapy, was shifting my frame of mind to imagine the possibilities. When I was depressed and drowning in my hopelessness, I couldn’t see that anything was possible.

When we feel intense emotions, we often think they’ll last forever, instead of recognizing those feelings as temporary. Everything passes eventually. I learned to focus on the things I had done by keeping a running list of what I had accomplished, with no one thing being too small. This not only helped me to create space for what I was experiencing currently but also to create space, once more, for joy. It helped me appreciate the strides I was making.

How to Comfort a Loved One Who Has Moved In

Posted on by Cindy Connolly

A soft place to land is the carrot at the end of the stick that makes moving somewhat bearable. For an older adult who moves in with a family caregiver, feeling at home depends on how well the new place meets practical as well as emotional needs. Crucial as they are, safety modifications are only part of the equation. A true sense of comfort goes beyond wheelchair ramps and bathtub grips.

If you as a caregiver are moving an older family member in with you, it can be daunting to properly prepare for this major life change. An important first step is to make a careful decision on whether such a move makes sense for both of you. Arriving at a sound decision entails open and honest communication. Your loved one, as well as any other family members who live in the home, need the opportunity to voice any thoughts and concerns.

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Keep in mind that this will be a huge adjustment. Challenges can turn on a dime if medical conditions develop or worsen. The Cleveland Clinic website advises caregivers to consider factors such as meal and driving requirements, and ways to stave off caregiver fatigue. Family Caregiver Alliance also offers a tip sheet to help you make the decision. It lists additional factors, such as finances, how much time you can devote to your loved one’s care, how well the two of you get along and what it would mean to securely adapt your home.

If you do decide to move forward, it’s important to involve your loved one in the planning process so that he or she maintains a sense of control. What furnishings and objects should be kept and what should be discarded? Pay close attention to cherished possessions, favorite furnishings and personal items.

Any move is stressful, but relocating can be particularly hard for older adults, who may be leaving a home where they’ve spent much of their lives. A senior move manager can be a great asset, as they are experienced at handling the practicalities, as well as emotions, that often go along with this process. They hire and supervise movers and help to sort, pack and unpack belongings.

Beyond the nitty-gritty of the move itself, it’s important to be as calm and respectful as possible as your loved one settles in. Remember that “your” home is now “our” home and that means carefully navigating a host of changes on everyone’s part. Here are a few tips that may help you provide a more comfortable landing:

  • Set up your loved one’s room or apartment together. Listen to input. Consider arranging furniture and other items to resemble the home he or she has left. You may want to place some family photos in frames or albums in your loved one’s private space, along with a comfortable chair, foot rest and reading lamp. If your loved one has dementia, a special soft blanket or sweet stuffed animal to cuddle can be extra welcoming.
  • Adjust shelves or light switches for better access. Improve lighting throughout the home, including on any ramps and stairs and in entry areas. Use nightlights. If your loved one enjoys watching TV, make the set-up as simple as possible, with an easy-to-use remote.
  • Respect boundaries. Encourage everyone in the home to set ground rules. Make it clear that your loved one’s bedroom is a private space, as is yours. Knock before entering, if it’s feasible given your loved one’s physical condition. If you work from home, make it clear that your office space has to be yours alone. Then carve out more relaxed times of the day to spend quality time with one another.
  • If it works for all involved, spend mealtimes together. The kitchen can be a wonderful place to relax and talk. Your loved one might be able to join in meal preparation, and if not, might simply want to sit and chat as you prepare the meal. There are ways to make the kitchen easier for an older adult to use, like using easy-to-read appliances with push buttons, and open shelving for better access.
  • Try to keep schedules as familiar as possible. Daily routines are especially helpful for people who have dementia. It’s lovely to share meals, but if your loved one is more comfortable eating on his or her own schedule or retiring early, that might work better for both of you. Eating habits and needs can change in a variety of ways with dementia. Learn more tips on ways to adapt mealtimes to someone who lives with the condition.
  • If you’re feeling pressured with all you have to do, you may want to consider getting help from an in-home care aide who can help cook and clean or take your loved one out for walks, rides or errands. A skilled home healthcare aide can also be a great assist with activities of daily living, such as bathing and dressing, or simply getting around safely.
  • Practice patience. Relationship dynamics are often fraught, and living together in one space can easily spark tensions. Patience can be cultivated. Here are some techniques to defuse the frustration and anger that can go with caregiving.
  • When it comes to communication, try to stay as upbeat as possible. Focusing on the positive can make you feel better, even when things get tough. If your loved one has dementia, your body language, tone of voice and simplicity of speech can go far to reduce anxiety and agitation.
  • Don’t neglect yourself. No one needs to tell you that caregiving is stressful. As you and your loved one adjust to sharing a home, you may find yourself cutting back on activities or routines that have been fundamental to your emotional well-being. Learn more tips on how to protect your physical and mental health amid the challenges of caregiving. Comfort for your loved one depends more than anything on having a happy and balanced caregiver. Your well-being is fundamental to both of you.

How to Choose Joy One Day at a Time

Posted on by Pablo Diaz

Each and every day we are tasked with making life choices. One of the most important is to find joy each day. Whereas happiness is shaped by external circumstances, joy is found deep within. Unless we are intentional in discovering the gift of joy in ordinary things, it will not happen.

Daily life offers many paths to joy. Think about having a meal with friends or loved ones. There is beauty in the simplicity of a meal or the elegance of a cuisine. Breaking bread provides time to relax and get to know others in a safe space. Whether you are having dinner with family or lunch with co-workers, the act of eating together and celebrating friendship brings joy.

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Meaningful work also offers joy. In addition to his job, my friend Donnie finds joy while working outside in his backyard or on a home improvement project. Joy can come from having a deep sense of purpose and knowing that what we are doing makes a difference to others. When I speak or teach, it gives me profound joy because it allows me to spread good news and empower others.

Helping others—especially without expecting anything in return—brings joy. My colleague Bernardo’s family emigrated from Brazil to the United States before he was born. He remains in touch with his family in Brazil, and many are struggling to find decent work.

During a conversation with a cousin, Bernardo was moved to help his relative get closer to his dream of being a music producer. The cousin told Bernardo how he had an opportunity to live rent free in the Netherlands and work in this industry. When he didn’t have enough money to purchase airline tickets, Bernardo decided that he would help his cousin pursue his dream, so he purchased the tickets for him. Afterward Bernardo said, “What is $1000-$2000 in a lifetime?” Bernardo’s joy overflowed, knowing that he was able to make a difference for his cousin.     

Author and priest Henri J. M. Nouwen wrote, “Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” There are many opportunities to find joy in the ordinary. We must choose it one act and one day at a time. 

How to Call Blessings into Your Life

Posted on by Holly Lebowitz Rossi

Many years ago, at the convocation that began my time in divinity school, I heard a sermon that I’ve never forgotten. The preacher shared the story of a woman who was walking along the beach on a cloudy day, lost in thought and enjoying the solitude.

Her reverie was interrupted by the sound of someone shouting just up the beach from where she stood. It was a man, just visible through the mist. His arms wide, he shouted, “Come, blessings!” He turned toward the water, then away from the woman, again shouting, “Come, blessings, come!” 

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The woman stopped in her tracks, taking in the scene. Her pensive mood deepening, she thought about the pure, direct spiritual appeal she was witnessing. Here was a man, she thought, who had made his way to the quiet, enduring presence of nature to call blessings into his life, to literally shout into the wind for the blessings he yearned for.

She started walking again, hoping to speak to the man and thank him for the much-needed inspiration she had gleaned from his spiritual practice. As she walked, the wind continued to carry his voice. “Come, blessings! Come, blessings, come!” She started to speak the simple, powerful words along with him, feeling buoyed and increasingly freed each time.

Then, just as suddenly as when she first heard him, the man stopped shouting. And just as suddenly as when she first noticed him, the woman stopped walking.

A big, floppy-eared dog bounded joyfully toward the man, seeming to have emerged mystically from the mist. The woman was close enough to the man to hear him, as he tousled the dog’s fur, exclaim, “Blessings! There you are! I thought I had lost you!”

At first the woman felt silly, having confused a dog named Blessings for a profound moment of communion with the divine. But as she continued on her walk, she smiled contentedly. The message she had received, the inspiration to ask clearly and plainly for the goodness, hope, peace and other blessings she yearned for, was real, even if the bearer of the message had four legs and a tail.

Perhaps, she thought, it was not a coincidence that the man had named his dog Blessings. And perhaps the dog had not been lost at all. 

How do you call blessings into your life?

How to Bless Someone You Don’t Like

Posted on by Julia Attaway

My stomach was in a knot. There’d been a major plot twist in a complicated (and delicate) project I’m working on, and fear was sitting on my chest and twisting my innards. I’d crafted and then drafted a written response but held off on sending it. Something wasn’t sitting right with me.

As soon as my kids were out the door, I headed to the chapel up the street. It was empty first thing in the day. I knelt and mentally brought in each of the people I was working with (and against). That made the little space a bit crowded. 

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Then I stammered out blessings, one person at a time. “Blessed be God in the life of _____. May Your name be glorified through her words and actions today. Grant her the grace and wisdom she needs to do Your will.” 

It was a bit awkward, because my heart wasn’t 100% into wishing some of these folks well. Still, my fear had me stuck, and since it was my fear in my heart, I knew I needed to address this. 

I repeated the prayer more than once for each person I didn’t like. I repeated it until my heart let go of resentment and anger, and the words came out honestly. Not surprisingly, the more progress I made on this, the more the fear that gripped me faded. 

Then, when my heart was full of genuine blessing, I sat quietly for a while.

“Thank you, Lord. Thank you for each of these people in my life,” I finally said, and I meant it. As I gathered my coat and bag, the subtle tweak needed in the email I’d drafted became obvious. I went home and changed a few words, and sent it off with a peaceful heart.

How to Be Truly Free and Happy

Posted on by Pablo Diaz

It has been said that those who are willing to give up the most, gain the most. While most of us believe this to be true, we are hesitant to apply it to our lives. People like to hold onto things. Unfortunately, most of what we hold onto is materialistic.

I remember when my brother-in-law passed away. Some of us went to his apartment to sort out his belongings. It wasn’t long before we realized that most of the items that were important to him had little value to us. He was the most important thing to us, and his belongings wouldn’t bring him back.

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It isn’t only physical stuff that we cling to. We hold on to things emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

Read More: 10 Remarkable Women of the Bible

Our hearts are heavy because we are unable to forgive someone who has hurt us. Jealously and resentment keep us from loving others. Our heart aches for the love that we lost or never had. And the past may keep us from enjoying the present.

In order to grow, we must be willing to give up the things that hold us back. Jesus said, “If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.”

Giving up and letting go opens the way for us to truly be free and happy. What are you willing to give up in order to grow in faith and life?

Lord, help us to not be bound by anything but Your love. 

How to Avoid Letting Caregiving Lead to Emotional Eating

Posted on by Lisa Weitzman

Lisa Weitzman, LISW-S, is the BRI Care Consultation™ Manager of Business Development at Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging

Take care of yourself so that you can better care for your loved one. It’s great advice for any caregiver to follow, but often the first thing to reach for is a bag of tortilla chips or a hot fudge sundae. Turning to junk food for comfort is a natural response to being bombarded with ads designed to convince us that our favorite desserts and snacks are a ticket to emotional well-being. While succumbing to cravings for unhealthy foods can work briefly to block out hard-to-handle feelings that can go along with caregiving, experts on self-care warn against “emotional eating,” or using food to suppress or soothe painful emotions.

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According to Registered Dietician Ellyn Satter, “Eating can raise your spirits when you are low, soothe you when you are tense, and distract you when you are upset.” These behaviors become an issue, though, when “feelings go straight to eating, with no interpretation,” such as when you pay no attention to what you are consuming when you eat and ultimately feel out of control. 

Because of the stresses involved, caregivers are at risk for emotional eating. When your body undergoes stress, studies show, it produces a high level of cortisol, which then triggers cravings for salty and sweet foods to bring about a quick rush of energy and pleasure. An additional trap is that after spending hours focused on caregiving, you may feel justified in indulging in extra desserts or snacks when evening rolls around. A sense of emptiness that comes with exhaustion can also masquerade as hunger. As a result, you may turn to food to numb pain. The rub is that your original emotions don’t go away, and when combined with the guilt or shame you may feel from eating junk food, they may add to your emotional burden. 

Emotional eating is more than simply eating as a celebration or reward for a personal or professional accomplishment; it is relying on food as a primary means of coping with uncomfortable feelings. In contrast to physical hunger, which arises gradually over time, emotional hunger comes on suddenly, almost like an uncontrollable urge. When you are physically hungry, you tend to think about the food you eat and can be satisfied with a well-balanced meal; when you are emotionally hungry, you crave foods that give you an instant boost. And because they are not responding to actual hunger, emotional eaters may binge eat without feeling a need to stop. 

Even though it can take effort to transform your eating habits, you can follow these steps to see to it that your eating satisfies biological rather than emotional needs:

  • Clear out your cupboards and refrigerator and fill them with healthy options
  • Develop emotional awareness: think about what feelings trigger your eating patterns —stress, anger, boredom, fear, sadness, loneliness—and then create a plan to confront these feelings directly
  • Allow yourself to eat when you are physically hungry, and enjoy what you eat to fill that need
  • Try meditation: you can do simple deep breathing almost any place, and it is a more positive form of stress relief
  • Seek connection with other people, rather than with food. As licensed therapist and emotional eating specialist Tracie Strucker states, “emotional eating can’t help you connect in the way you want and need to connect with others or yourself.”
  • Pat yourself on the back: remind yourself often of all of the positive headway you are making

If you feel you need additional assistance or support to manage your emotional eating, you may wish to speak with a licensed counselor or therapist. You may also find additional guidance and referrals by contacting:

How to Avoid Getting Mired in Caregiver Guilt

Posted on by Cindy Connolly

“I should have … I shouldn’t have … It’s all my fault … I’m no good …”  The caregiver guilt pit. It’s an easy place to wind up, but you don’t have to get stuck there.

Given the often overwhelming responsibilities of caring for a loved one with a challenging condition, spiraling into self-blame is a common scenario. Yet caregivers have way more power over what they do with feelings of guilt than they may think, according to a geropsychologist who helps families get trustworthy and helpful information about common dementia struggles. Natali Edmonds, CEO of Dementia Careblazers, told Guideposts.org that feeling guilt can be an important opportunity for reflection and positive change. The important thing is to reframe your thinking in order to move out of the guilt trap.

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“Most caregivers are going to be caregivers for years,” Edmonds said. “So you probably don’t want to be struggling with guilt for years. You might experience it from time to time but it can be a great place to get great at feeling uncomfortable feelings. Emotions are a powerful indicator of what’s going on in our minds, and as long as you think that the outside world dictates how you feel, you won’t have any control over anything. But we have a lot of control over a lot of things, and I think gaining more awareness of the the thoughts inside of our minds that are leading to some of these feelings can be helpful.”

Edmonds offered the following tips to help family caregivers avoid getting mired in feelings of guilt:

Remember that guilt stems from your thinking about a situation, not the situation itself. “Guilt is a feeling and feelings come from our thoughts. No action, no situation in life actually leads to guilt. It is your thinking about the situation that leads to guilt. Let’s say you have a family member who needs to go into a care facility. It’s not putting your loved one into a care facility that leads to guilt. It’s that you are thinking that you should have done something differently. Another person could be thinking something different, like, ‘I’m glad they’re going to be able to have 24/7 supervision and get the care that they need.’ You could have 10 caregivers in the same exact situation and they would all feel differently because it has nothing to do with the situation. It has everything to do with their thinking about the situation. You can think about a situation in ways that disempower you, that bring you down and that lead to guilt, or you can think about a situation in a ways that are going to empower you, make you feel confident and help you feel reassured that you’re making the right decision. Both are equally optional, both are equally available, but most people go to the option of guilt because that is easier for our brains. Our brains have a negativity bias, as we call it in psychology. So you have to do some work and put some effort into realizing that. When your brain offers you that stuff, how do you want to purposefully think about it instead?”

Don’t view your caregiving in terms of how your loved one is progressing. “A lot of people talk about guilt but not a lot of people talk about why are we feeling guilty and what can we do about it. There’s a lot of attention on the problem but very little attention on the solution. You might be caring for a family member who has an illness that is going to get worse, no matter how amazing your care. Sometimes caregivers wrap up how they’re doing based on how their loved one is doing. That’s not fair because you could be doing the most amazing things in the world and the disease will just progress, no matter what. So you have to make sure you’ve separated what you’re doing from how your loved one is progressing.”

Treat yourself as you would someone you care about. “If you were to have a loved one or great friend come to you and say, ‘Hey, I feel so guilty. I’m struggling with this situation, this is happening and I just have all this guilt,’ what would you say to that person? It’s probably not going to be, ‘Well, you should feel guilty. That’s horrible. I can’t believe you did that!’ You would never say that to somebody you care about. You would be so supportive, you would be so kind, you would be so compassionate. You would let them know, ‘You’re trying your best, this is a hard situation, I’m really sorry you’re going through this.’ Tell yourself the same exact things you would say to somebody you care about. We hold ourselves to things that you would never ever put on another person. The other thing is to realize that we don’t have to beat ourselves up when we feel guilt. It brings on a whole other level of suffering when it’s like, ‘Oh, I’m feeling guilty again and I’m upset that I’m feeling guilty again.’ There is a lot to be said for just allowing ourselves to feel how we’re feeling without beating ourselves up for feeling how we’re feeling. Beating yourself up is never going to help you feel better. So if all you do is just allow yourself to be a human and feel all the emotions, you would be so far ahead of so many people and relieve a lot of suffering.”

Don’t internalize your loved one’s behavior. “The hardest part about dementia caregiving is that you sacrifice so much time, so much energy, so much love—you do everything—and the person with dementia may not be able to understand or acknowledge it at all. In fact, they may do the complete opposite, saying things like, ‘You’re holding me back, you’re treating me like a child, you’re trying to interfere with my life.’ This is where having an understanding about the disease can really be helpful, so that you don’t internalize, ‘Wow I am doing awfully, I am horrible.’ Instead, realize this is what the dementia process is doing to your loved one’s brain, that this is how they are interpreting their reality.”

Allow yourself joy by focusing on the moment. “Withholding sources of joy or pleasure from yourself does not somehow give the person you’re caring for a better quality of life. Let’s say you give yourself a chance to enjoy some sort of activity that your loved one can’t enjoy with you. It’s going to be natural for your mind to wander and think about that person and feel bad that they can’t be there and can’t enjoy it. That’s okay. But when your mind goes there, realize that you can rob yourself of your opportunity for joy and pleasure that you’re in right now by feeling guilty that you’re doing something without your loved one, and that this in no way improves their situation. So when that wave of guilt comes over you, you can acknowledge that you are missing the person and then, using your five senses and a practice of mindfulness, come back into the moment. Focus on what you’re hearing, what you’re seeing, what you’re feeling—on the environment around you. So long as you’re somewhere doing something without the person you’re caring for, you might as well be doing it because no amount of feeling guilty and anxious and thinking about whatever is happening with that other person is going to have any impact on that other person.”

For more on ways to overcome common caregiver challenges, Edmonds posts weekly videos at: https://www.youtube.com/dementiacareblazers.

How to Adjust to Big Life Changes

Posted on by Holly Lebowitz Rossi

“The new normal” is one of those phrases that can accurately apply to a wide variety of life situations, including a medical diagnosis, death, divorce, retirement or change in job or home. The phrase implies both the newness of each of those circumstances, as well as the necessity that they will need to be normalized, integrated into the reality of our daily lives.

But there is a sizable middle ground between the event that precipitates the need for a “new normal” and its final acceptance. I find myself there as I mourn the loss of my father, who died in September. The phrase keeps coming up in conversation, and as helpful and true as it is, it has made me realize that “normal” is the last word I would use to describe the fragile place I currently occupy. 

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For example, the “new normal” is to have Thanksgiving without Dad, then to remember him on what would have been his 75th birthday just a few days later. 

The “new normal” is also for my son to wonder if he can “still call it Gigi and Pops’ house, even though Pops isn’t there anymore.” (Yes, he can, we told him.)

In other words, during this year of firsts, the new normal is a time of transition, not of arrival. Not for nothing, but once we’ve settled into new routines and emotional patterns, our “normal” won’t be quite so new anymore, will it? 

It strikes me that this is something to be celebrated, not fretted over. Part of living positively is meeting ourselves where we are, wherever we are. And as I continue to navigate this in-between time, this period of slowly—and sometimes unsteadily—accepting my father’s absence from the earth, I recognize that each step along the way is a worthwhile part of a healthy grieving process.

The same idea would apply to more positive life changes, like a new home or job, as well as the challenges of the end of a relationship or a difficult medical reality. A “new normal” isn’t something any of us step into all at once. It’s something we become, move toward, and, eventually, accept.

Let’s not be in a rush to reach that destination. The journey has much to teach us.