Page 101 – Guideposts Articles

Why Are Millennials Leaving the Church?

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Brooke Obie

New York Times best-selling author Rachel Held Evans knows a thing or two about millennials leaving the Church. A decade ago, the Christian blogger was one of them.

Born to a deeply evangelical Christian family in Dayton, Tennessee, the buckle of the Bible Belt, Evans had professed her belief in Christ at age 13 and quickly became known in her community for being what church folks call, “on fire for God.” Facilitating the conversions to Christianity of her atheist high school classmates, Evans was confident in who Christ was, who God was, and who she was because of Them.

Then, she went to college.

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As an English major at Bryan College, Evans started asking questions about things she didn’t understand in the Bible or in doctrine. Her questions were often met with concern for her salvation, with deflection, with insults about her lack of faith—but no answers. The message Evans received was that there was no room for doubt or even questions in the Church. So, eventually, she excused herself and quietly slipped out of the backdoor of church life.

During this time, Evans became a well-known blogger who often wrote about her struggles with faith. She’s now written 3 books, the latest of which is Searching for Sunday: Loving, Leaving and Finding the Church, where she poetically recounts her faith journey and how she was able to find her way back to church.

Just a few days after Evans gave birth to her and her husband’s first child, Guideposts.org caught up with the new mom to talk about why millennials are leaving the Church and what can be done about it.

GUIDEPOSTS: What are the main misconceptions churches have about millennials and why they’re leaving?

RHE: I think there is a bit of a misconception that millennials are leaving the Church “because it’s not hip and cool, so let’s bring in a cool band and worship leader that wears skinny jeans.” That alone is not going to bring us all back. I don’t speak for all of them, but a lot of them are leaving and disengaging because they are asking big questions about life and faith and the Church is not really helping them work through those and it’s not a safe place for them to do that. I think sometimes people assume millennials are just really shallow, but it kind of oversimplifies what this generation is about. Frankly, when I go to a church that is giving away an iPad at Easter and has fog machines, I feel like they are just trying to peddle a product to me; they are trying to sell me Jesus. We millennials have been advertised to our entire lives. I don’t think we are going to church looking to be entertained or sold a product. We are eager to be connected to other people and eager to have a place to hash out some of the big questions of “why”.

GUIDEPOSTS: How can the Church become a place that is safe for people to question and to doubt?

RHE: We can go back through tradition and Scripture to find support for having that environment where doubts and questions are safe. If you read through the stories of the Bible, from Abraham all the way to the apostle Paul, you see people of faith asking a ton of questions. You have Jacob wrestling with this angel that is God, saying, “I refuse to leave without a blessing.” The Jewish community has really adopted that faith is meant to be wrestled with. So we have a precedent for it. I think it helps when a pastor or church leader is willing to admit their own doubts and questions and are willing to say, “I don’t know,” or “I’m not sure what this text means.” It creates a tone like, “Oh, this is a place where you can say that.” It frees up everybody else in a community to be honest and to feel like it’s safe to talk about their doubts.

GUIDEPOSTS: What do you say to those who would push back on that and say ‘Moses wasn’t able to see the Promised Land for his doubts; Jacob forever walked with a limp after wrestling with the angel’?

RHE: Well, you can even look at Jesus on the cross. I mean you don’t get a better example of what God intends for this world than Jesus on the cross. Even Jesus on the cross is quoting from David, in the Psalm, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?” To me, that is such a profound moment, where God incarnate is questioning God. It doesn’t always end well, but in the end, there’s resurrection, so ultimately it does [end well]. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy but I think ultimately there has to be a death of some kind, a struggle for there to be new life.

GUIDEPOSTS: In Searching for Sunday, you describe your husband Dan as someone who’d already had his faith shaken in high school when his parents divorced, so he wasn’t thrown when you started expressing your doubts about faith. What’s that like for you when your faith is in a different place from your husband’s? How are you able to support each other through that?

RHE: I think the main thing is to not try to force anything. You can’t change a person. I think you know sometimes when people have a friend or family that has a crisis of faith, they freak out and then they want to try and fix it. That’s really the last thing you want is someone coming along and trying to make you stop doubting or make you stop questioning. What you really want is someone to come alongside you and be there for you and not judge you through that experience. People often say, “Why can’t you just believe?” That’s a lot easier said than done for me, and there are times it just doesn’t seem possible. I think the trick is just let the other person be. Let them go a little bit and let them work through their own questions and doubts without getting scared by them.

GUIDEPOSTS: You talk about the death of the church as possibly a good and necessary thing. What do you mean by that?

RHE: Well I think every so often we have to reassess things. I think a lot of people are stressing out because they see the numbers, particularly in the U.S., for church attendance going down. There is a lot of pandering about, “Oh, this is the end; the church is over,” which is, also as an aside, kind of a very American-centered way of looking at it. I would encourage people to think of it differently. The Church is going through major changes. It always has and it’s always survived. Jesus says the gates of Hell will not prevail against the Church, so it’s going to survive the Internet Age.

The death and resurrection ideas are that maybe it’s time to die to these old ways of doing things and see if God is going to do something new with the Church. I think there are some things the Church in the U.S. needs to let go of. This kind of constant fighting over politics and looking to politicians to solve issues for the Church, or looking to politicians to bring the Kingdom to the U.S. That’s a fool’s errand. So there are certain things that need to be reassessed and we need to die to be raised up to something new.

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GUIDEPOSTS: Do you think one can be a Christian and not go to church?

RHE: Yeah, I think you can absolutely be Christian and not go to church. There are some of my readers that have been really hurt by their churches, I mean devastated. I’ll often talk with families that have been torn apart because their kid is gay and they supported their kid and they got kicked out of their church. Horrible stories come into my inbox every single day and because of that I am unwilling to say, “Oh, well, you can’t be a Christian because you don’t go to church.” I think a lot of people need some major recovery time because of the abuse and hurt that they suffered from the Church. I want to acknowledge that and honor it.

At the same time, I don’t think you can be a Christian alone. I think you need some kind of community of other Christians around you. So I think a great place to find that is a local church body. I would encourage more millennials to go to church and participate in church. But at the same time I realize that not everybody will find that community of Christians in a local church. They might find it elsewhere. Being connected to the Church is a great gift and even though it’s the most dysfunctional family in the world, it’s a beautiful, beautiful family. The Church has this incredible capacity to wound but it also has an incredible capacity to heal. I have seen both in my own experience and life and so I still believe in the Church’s ability to heal, even the people it has wounded.

GUIDEPOSTS: What advice do you have for those who have left the Church and are still trying to find their way through faith?

RHE: I think one thing I had to do myself when I was away from church for a while was work on letting go of the cynicism. Because cynicism is the worst and it keeps you from really engaging the people around you and it really was the biggest hurdle I had to get over in getting back to church. Every church I sat in I found something wrong with it and it took me a really long time to sort of soften and be vulnerable. The hardest thing when you get out of a relationship is to go on and be vulnerable in another relationship. So it really was hard for me to go back to church and be vulnerable. I really wanted to protect myself. But there’s nothing meaningful to get out of life if we try to play it safe like that.

Go into [your church search] knowing where you’re willing to compromise and where you’re not. My friend Nadia Bolz-Weber is a Lutheran priest and the first thing she says to new members is, “We’re going to disappoint you. This community is going to let you down.” You have to go into any sort of church search with that in mind.

Why a Man Battling Addiction Painted 2,000 Angels

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Andy Lakey

I was celebrating with friends in our apartment complex on New Year’s Eve, 1986, when the turn in my life took place. It had been a good year. Only 26 years old and selling photographic equipment, I was doing just what I wanted with my life. Or so I thought. I was also doing a lot of drugs. I had started smoking marijuana at age 12. Later, in the Navy, I used hard narcotics. By New Year’s Eve, 1986, I was a serious drug user.

That night at the party I was freebasing cocaine. As usual, the drugs made me feel invincible. But suddenly, amid the music and raucous laughter, I felt strange. My heart raced, my body became numb; I was panicky. Desperately trying to maintain composure, I got up from my seat and waved to the others, calling, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” I staggered down to my apartment. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. Was I dying?

Gasping, I stumbled in the door and lurched into the shower. I turned on the cold water, ripped open my shirt under the splashing spray and, for the first time in years, I started to pray. “God, take me to heaven,” I pleaded. “I’m not a bad person.” Then I vowed that if he let me live I would never do drugs again. Please, God, help me.

Immediately I felt a warm sensation in my feet. A whirling rose around me, like a miniature tornado. It was then that I saw them, seven of them, twirling around me faster and faster. I thought they were taking me to heaven. They did not have wings or halos; I could see only forms. They put their arms around me. I felt wonderful, relaxed, at ease. So this is death.

I awoke in a hospital, early on New Year’s Day. Anxiously leaning over me was my party host. He said that for some reason he had decided to leave the party and go down to my apartment. He found the door ajar and me unconscious on the tile floor. “We rushed you here,” he said. “Your heart was barely beating.”

A week passed before I was able to return to work. By then I felt totally different. The urge to get stoned was gone. What had replaced it was an irresistible compulsion, a burning need to draw what I had seen in the shower on New Year’s Eve. For several years I worked hard at my job all day and drew my angels at night. Though I couldn’t explain it—I wasn’t an artist and I didn’t have any training in the field—the effort consumed me.

Andy Lakey circa 1995.

By 1989 I had drawn 227 sketches of the beings I had seen. I had saved enough money to buy a town house. Meanwhile I prayed for direction in my life. The answer I got was startling and always the same: Be an artist.

Acquaintances laughed when I said I had decided to become an artist. But one new friend, a Christian, told me, “Go for it, Andy.” I did. One day in the fall of 1989, I went to my boss to give notice. When I told him my plans, he leaned back in his chair and studied me quizzically.

“Are you on drugs?” he asked.

No, I told him, not since that New Year’s Eve. He said he wanted me to see a psychiatrist. That’s when I showed him my sketches. “They do look pretty good, Andy. Good luck.”

I bought some professional artists’ magazines to see what a real studio looked like. Then I went to an art store and loaded up on an assortment of items—airbrush equipment, projector, scopes—to transform my garage into a studio. I installed track lighting, plus a cassette player for musical inspiration. By mid-December it was completed and I sat down to paint. But when I tried to portray one of my angels in color, all I could manage was a crude outline. Frustrated, I gave up. Have I made a mistake quitting my job? I worried.

The next day I returned to the studio. I flipped on the music—and it happened. A bright light came through the wall and surrounded me with glowing intensity. Within the light stood three bearded men with long hair. I felt no fear. I communicated with them not in words, but in thoughts. Incredibly, I was told to paint 2000 angels by the year 2000. I sensed the beings would not only teach me to paint, but would arrange circumstances so the Lord would be honored. They said we would meet again in 10 years. Then the light faded and they were gone.

The music was still playing and everything looked normal. But the path before me was clear. I sat down at a canvas and let myself be guided by my angels. I lined up the tubes of acrylic paint and squeezed color after color onto my palette—vermilion, cerulean blue, chrome yellow. I laid out my brushes and began brushing on colors, each in different layers. It was impossible to portray the exact form of the celestial messengers who had embraced me that night in the shower. Still, I was capturing something of their benevolence, their essence. In a kaleidoscope of shimmering color and texture an angel came to life on my canvas.

By the end of January 1990, I had finished eight paintings. I wanted others to see them and asked a friend who managed a bank if he could display some there. He chose three and hung them in the bank’s customer area. A woman phoned later that day. She introduced herself as Pierrette Van Cleve, a Canadian art critic and owner of Art Cellar Exchange, an international fine art brokerage. She said she had been contacted by a man from Canada who had seen my paintings in the bank. He wanted to commission some large canvases for his home. “May I come to your studio and see your work?” she asked.

By then I had completed more paintings. Pierrette walked back and forth looking at them. When I told her I had been painting only a short time, she didn’t believe me. Finally, she turned to me and extended her hand. “I’m filled with wonder,” she said. Pierrette ran her fingers over the layers of color of one of my paintings. “I used to work with the blind,” she said, “and I’m intrigued by your relief work. Have you thought about sharing your creations with the visually impaired?” I hadn’t. Was this another circumstance fashioned by my three visitors?

One of my first showings was arranged by Pierrette at a San Diego gallery, and she invited some blind acquaintances. I took a lady’s hand and guided her fingertips over the painting’s surface, explaining the colors. “This is black … and over here is a peach tone. Whenever you feel this particular level and texture above the others, that is the same peach color. Can you see?”

The woman’s face lit up. “I can see the angels … and the colors!” TV newsman Peter Jennings donated one piece to the Lighthouse for the Blind in New York City. An art gallery asked to put one of my paintings on display; the first person who stepped into the gallery bought it. Today my paintings are in collections of museums, the Vatican, royal families, U.S. presidents and celebrities, “touching hearts,” as one critic said, “with the joy, love and wonder of heaven itself.”

I have completed 1350 angel paintings. On December 31, 1999, Painting Number 2000 will receive its finishing touches at midnight at a ceremony in New York City. I know the angels will come, as they did at the end of another year, when they changed the direction of my life.

What will happen to me then? I leave that to God.

Update: In 1998, Andy completed the 2000 angel paintings and signed the final Angel at a public event in San Francisco, California, on New Year’s Eve.

This story first appeared in the November 1995 issue of Angels on Earth magazine.

Which Comes First: Positive Thoughts or Actions?

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Holly Lebowitz Rossi

William James, the late 19th century Harvard psychologist who is regarded as the architect of modern behavioral science, was a pioneer in his idea that behavior can determine emotion as much as feelings can determine behavior.

In other words, when we feel happy, we smile. What James added to the conversation is the notion that when we smile, we feel happy.

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For those of us who endeavor to walk a positive path through life, the idea could be posed as a question: Should we prioritize positive action over positive thinking?

Few would argue the two are an either/or proposition. Thinking positively about our value in society, for example, certainly makes us more likely to take action to help those whose lives we can support.

But what about this idea that our behaviors can dictate our emotions? Decades of scientific studies have connected the two, creating a body of research that supports the idea that if we “act as if,” a positive, healthy emotional life will follow.

This morning, an opportunity presented itself for me to try a little (unscientific) experiment on myself. I was finally sitting down to organize a ream of paper in my office. The task required examining each sheet, deciding where it went, and putting it in a pile, in a folder or in a recycle bin. Just a few minutes into the dreaded task, I noticed my brow furrowing, my posture hunching over the papers and my breathing going shallow. My behavior accurately reflected my feelings about the project.

Remembering James, I decided to add a behavioral shift to the process. Each time I picked up a new piece of paper, I took a deep inhale, and made a little “yay!” sound (working at a home office comes in handy for such experiments), as if to celebrate the milestone of being one step closer to completing the project.

After a few minutes, I noticed two things. First, the action of picking up a paper and letting out a little “yay!” had become a rhythm; I didn’t have to consciously decide to do it anymore. And second, while the project hardly became a joy-fest, I truly did feel more calmly engaged in it. I even started to believe my own message—each paper sorted was a step toward the finish line. The pile got smaller and smaller.

Next time I’m feeling glum, I’m going to take a moment to notice what my body is doing to express that emotion—then ask it to do something different, to see how it feels. Chances are, it will feel better.

Where to Turn When Your Adult Child Has Developmental Disabilities

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Branka Primetica and Lauri Scharf

Branka Primetica, MSW, is the BRI Care Consultation™ Program Manager. Lauri Scharf, LSW, MSHS, is a Care Consultant & Master Trainer at Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging

Parenthood can be one of the most fulfilling experiences in life. But regardless of circumstances, it is fraught with challenges. When a child has developmental disabilities, the particular challenges may extend far into his or her adult years. As the adult child ages, so do the parents, which brings a whole new set of concerns over how ongoing care will be handled. If you are an aging parent with these concerns, know that an abundance of resources are available to provide you with helpful options.

Your adult child’s disabilities may range from intellectual to cerebral palsy and autism to neurological impairments. These may delay or affect the normal physical, cognitive, learning, language or behavioral development process at an early age and may continue through adulthood (The Arc, 2011). Adult children who have any of these conditions may need help with:

• Day-to-day activities, such as bathing, dressing and eating

• More independent activities, including meal preparation and shopping

• Social interaction

• Safety issues that require general supervision

For parents, the constant planning necessary for giving this type of care can be mentally and physically stressful, leading to fatigue or exhaustion. This makes it all the more important to get the proper resources in place.

Concerns of Aging Parents As They Care for Adult Children

In nearly one million families, adults are being cared for by aging caregivers, and about two-thirds of these families have no future care plans in place (The Arc, 2011). Parents and their adult children may have aged together and supported one another, but each have their own growing health concerns and limitations. Aging parents face increasing concerns as to who will care for their child, where their child will live and what types of services will support their child.

Some are connected to the disability community, while others have been challenged by the lack of funding and long waiting lists for services. In fact, a survey conducted by The Arc, a national community-based organization which advocates for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, found that the most common concerns for parents caring for adult children were related to:

• Lack of quality support

• Increased social isolation

• Having no one to help

• Institutional placement

• Health deterioration

• Abuse, neglect and financial exploitation

To compound the situation, as parents age along with their adult children, they face growing considerations of their own health, well-being and care situations. But there is hope.

Helpful Resources

If you are an aging parent caring for an adult child with developmental disabilities, the following options can help you to overcome the obstacles that you face:

• Reach out to your family and friends, no matter how small the task. Let them give you a break by preparing a meal, running an errand or driving to appointments or shopping destinations. Be open to accepting assistance when it’s offered, whether from your personal support network or professionals.

• Look into an adult day program if a change in living arrangements is not possible for now.

• Use assistive devices that give your loved one reminders, such as when to take prescriptions.

• Contact your local agencies to find support groups that will allow you to share stories, gather information together and bolster your emotional well-being.

• Be a vigilant advocate when seeking guidance from a variety of public and private agencies.

• Focus on building a network of connections and lifelines, bringing new contacts into your support team and establishing back-up plans, just in case a piece of the plan falls through. By moving forward one step at a time, a future care plan for both you and your loved one will be easier to put together.

County agencies focused on assisting adults and children with developmental disabilities, sometimes referred to as Boards, provide assessment, service planning and coordination services. In addition, they provide oversight and assistance to several providers in your area that may help with care for your adult children with developmental disabilities, such as by covering the cost of services to help them remain in your home, with a roommate or in another shared living residence.

The agencies assign a Service and Support Administrator to oversee services and help identify other community programs in which families may be eligible. To easily locate your state’s intellectual or developmental disabilities agency, visit the National Association of State Directors of Developmental Disabilities Services (NASDDDS) website. The listing provides names of state agencies to contact and seek further information for the county agency.

To find other local services and supports, you can visit The Arc. Programs vary by chapter and may include additional supportive services for homemaker and personal care, assistive technologies, advocacy and education. In addition, The Arc offers a Center for Future Planning that helps to support families with future care planning, decision-making, housing options and financial planning. The interactive website guides you through the process of learning about future planning, building a plan and finding resources, and it also allows you to see how others have developed their plans.

An additional resource is Easterseals, an organization that provides services for individuals with disabilities and special needs, including their families. The site has a locator to find your local agency. Programs vary by location and may include adult day services, home care, senior companion programs, therapy, vocational programming and community education.

For services that will help you as you age, visit the National Association for Area Agencies on Aging website. There are also local as well as national programs that can provide coaching to families and guidance in effectively managing current issues and future care planning. To explore the coaching services offered at Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging, visit BRI Care Consultation^TM.

When Your Loved One Needs a Patient Advocate

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Cindy Connolly

Navigating the labyrinthine world of healthcare when a loved one has a chronic condition or new diagnosis can be a huge challenge. Despite the best of intentions and effort, it’s easy to get in over your head as a caregiver. There is a great deal you can do to ease communications between your loved one and his or her medical team and to access the resources you both need. But if you feel you can’t do it all yourself, independent patient advocates are an option.

Debby Deutsch, a board certified patient advocate and Nancy Arnold, an RN patient advocate, spoke with Guideposts.org about what they do, as well as steps that caregivers can take to better assist family members when they need this sort of support. Both are with Patient Care Partners, a private patient advocacy firm which Deutsch founded.

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Guideposts.org: Can a family caregiver be an effective patient advocate?

Debby Deutsch: The family member of course knows the patient very, very well. However, there are some pitfalls in that. Our medical systems are incredibly complicated. Federal and state benefits and insurance issues are very complicated. So, unless a family member has a medical background, they’re probably going to run into some hurdles at some point and that’s the point where people reach out to us. They say to us, “I tried to do this, I don’t have the time. It’s much more complicated than I thought.” There can also be an emotional factor.

Nancy Arnold: We have at our fingertips, for example, resources that other people would not know about, mainly because we’ve worked in the health industry for as long as we have. We know how to lay out options to people so that they can understand what their doctor is saying. It really can take a professional advocate, particularly for people with chronic or complicated diagnoses that just require so much knowledge about the illness, as well as the system—the specialists that are available, that kind of thing.

DD: We find that what we are really doing is translating. We are translating what the patient or the family is telling us in regards to maybe changing conditions or a new diagnosis. We’re translating that to the healthcare team. And then, even more importantly, we’re translating back what the healthcare providers are saying to the patient and family.

Guideposts.org: Depending on the condition of the loved one, family caregivers generally have to make huge decisions. But it’s also important for the loved one to be as involved as possible in his or her own medical decisions and treatment, correct? How do caregivers walk that fine line?

DD: It varies from state to state in regards to how healthcare powers of attorney are set up. But we can’t, nor should we, make decisions for family members if they are still able to make decisions for themselves. So, what family members can do is help patients understand what the various options are. Let’s say the patient has a cancer diagnosis and an oncologist is laying out two or three courses of treatment. Family members can help make sure that the patient understands what those courses of treatment are—the pluses and minuses—and what that might mean for them in terms of their own personal goals and feelings, and then help them make the best decisions for themselves, based on the information that they have received. The next step, of course, is being prepared to pivot as things change, because things will change.

Guideposts.org: What can family caregivers do to better handle communications during medical appointments?

NA: I would encourage family members to be respectful of the physician’s time. Generally, we get between eight and 15 minutes for a usual appointment with a physician. So, I would encourage any family member to be very, very organized and to keep a list of changing conditions and a list of questions that the patient might have. By all means, keep that list with you. You don’t want to have to say, “I left my list on the kitchen table.”

DD: And if you have that list in front of you, you’re keeping in mind that you have three questions, whereas if you don’t, the whole appointment can get derailed by that first question and you might not get to the subsequent concerns.

Guideposts.org: How can you be an effective advocate during an appointment or hospital stay when you are not allowed inside the room with your loved one?

NA: You can set up a phone for when the patient will get into the room and they can dial you and you can be on speakerphone with them for that appointment.

Guideposts.org: If a home care aide is part of your loved one’s care team, can the aide also help you to stay apprised of your loved one’s changing condition?

DD: The home health aide is a very valuable part of the team. They are seeing things and hearing things from the patient that sometimes no one else will, so they can be a great source of information and I would encourage regular communication with them. They do so much that is of great value that you really want to rely on them as the valued part of the medical team that they are.

Guideposts.org: What can the family caregiver do to ease communication when the loved one is stressed or upset during an appointment?

NA: I think that from a nursing perspective, you have to let those feelings be present and have those feelings addressed. If someone’s angry about their care or their diagnosis or whatever, that’s going to be an important piece for the healthcare provider to know. If you try to change the subject to something else, you’ll probably just intensify that emotion anyway. The other thing you can do prior to an appointment, though, is agree with your loved one that you will talk about those feelings. So, you can address these things ahead of time with the person you’re caring for, so that you’re both on the same page.

Guideposts.org: How can the caregiver delicately clear up miscommunications that may occur between the loved one and the medical team?

NA: That’s a tough situation because you don’t want to say something like, “No, you’re wrong about that.” Then the person feels diminished in front of the provider. But it happens all the time. You can gently ask your family member a question like, “Well, what about the other day when this happened?” That might elicit more information so that the physician is able to get an idea about the way they initially answered and that it wasn’t accurate. You don’t want to set up an adversarial relationship between you and the person that you’re caring for. You want them to feel supported. It’s a very fine line, but I think it can be done.

Guideposts.org: How can family caregivers learn more about what independent patient care advocates do?

DD: There are two websites that I would direct folks to. The first is the Alliance of Professional Health Advocates. There are great resources on that website and there is also a directory of patient advocates throughout the United States and Canada, and most of us are board certified patient advocates. The second website is Greater National Advocates. It has fantastic resources and it also has the national directory of professional advocates. These are great ways to learn about how you can loop an advocate in when it’s time—when you’ve gone as far as you can as a family caregiver and you recognize that you need some help.

When You’re Too Sick to Pray for Yourself

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Rick Hamlin

Three years ago in September I landed in the I.C.U. with a mysterious lung infection that threatened to take me out. Every breath was a struggle. The doctors hooked me up to some oxygen and tried to figure out what was wrong.

Word got out—through church, through the emails my wife sent out, through social media. And the prayers came back. Prayers for a complete healing.

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I felt so rotten I couldn’t really pray for myself. I learned that when someone says “I’m praying for you,” that phrase has a double meaning. They’re not only praying for you they’re also praying for you because you can’t.

My spirits were pretty low for those first 24 hours. And then something happened.

The second day I was in the hospital, nothing really had changed about my physical shape but I knew—somehow knew—that I was going to get out of that hospital. I wasn’t sure what kind of shape I’d be in, whether I’d have to drag a can of oxygen around for the rest of my born days, but I would go home.

Two weeks later I did go home. On my own two feet. Without any can of oxygen. It was another three weeks before I was back at work and another two months before I was up and running around the park…slowly.

What I have learned and what I keep relearning is that healing is a gift. You can ask for it, but it comes unbidden. We do all we can to stay healthy but weird things can come out of left field without any warning.

So claim your good health. Claim those prayers. And return the favor. Pray for those who for so many reasons can’t pray for themselves. “I’m praying for you” has two meanings no matter how you put it.

When You Feel Helpless

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Julia Attaway

I was feeling helpless, which is one of my least-favorite sensations. I felt an urge to flap my arms and run in circles gaining steam, but I caught it just in time.

Think small, I told myself. You feel helpless but you are not. You are helpless to do the big thing you wish you could do, but you are not helpless to do little things.

So I took a deep breath and refocused my attention on small things. I find that when I zero in on what I can do, my sense of helplessness diminishes.

Little things matter. Think, for example, about a time you were grieving and a friend saw you needed a tissue and got it and held you as you cried. That was a small thing. Think about when you were over-the-top stressed because of a family crisis and someone brought dinner without being asked. That made life easier. Think about how a text or email or phone call or card out of the blue helped you remember you weren’t alone.

When I want to wail, “But all I can do is…!” it helps to remember that the one thing I’m able to do may be huge in the eyes of the person for whom I do it. It may be the one gift she needs more than anything else in the world right then.

So I focus on small things. Things I can do. For it would be a crying shame to let despair over being unable to do big things prevent me from doing all the little ones that can make a huge difference.

When You Become a Caregiver: Taking on a New Role

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Melissa Winberry

Melissa Winberry, MSW, LSW is the Assistant Director of the Rose Centers for Aging Well at Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging

You are a daughter or a son, a spouse or partner, sibling or best friend. Your role is familiar and comfortable. Then your loved one has an accident or is diagnosed with an illness that requires your on-going care, and you’re left wondering, who am I now? Taking on the role of caregiver to a loved one shifts relationship dynamics in challenging and confusing ways. Your lifelong role can easily be turned on its head when the parent who cared for you in your childhood suddenly needs your care, or a spouse exhibits new behaviors due to dementia. Scenarios such as these occur on a daily basis, and the changes they bring about in a relationship paradigm can have a ripple effect of feelings, emotions and struggles.

It’s a good possibility that if you are part of a family system, you’ll find yourself shifting into a caregiving role sometime in your life. If you are female, your chances of being a caregiver are considerably higher. Upwards of 75 percent of all caregivers are female and may spend as much as 50 percent more time providing care than males.

Such a shift generally takes a good deal of getting used to on both sides. Your loved one is not likely to relinquish his or her life care over to you without some pushback. Receiving a diagnosis or having an accident will rock a person’s world. Losing the ability to do things on one’s own and having to depend on others, whether temporarily or indefinitely, goes against our innate desire to be independent. While we all tend to be good at helping, when we are the ones who require the help, a flood of emotions can be released.

When your loved one becomes reliant on you, he or she may react with anger, sadness, frustration and fear. At the same time, you as the caregiver may experience many of these same feelings, but from a very different perspective. Do I have what it takes? Will I have the stamina and patience to handle this? How long will I need to do it? How will I juggle my job, finances and childcare, on top of caring for my mother, brother or spouse?

Plus, the person you love may be undergoing changes and becoming someone unfamiliar to you. Although you may have glimpses of what was, there will be a degree of new and unknown added to the equation. For instance, if your spouse has dementia, you may have to face some challenging behaviors on his or her part. Or if you are caring for a sibling who is receiving cancer treatment, you may feel as if you need to put your life on hold for an extended period to provide support. At the outset of caregiving, we come to this role from a place of love and the familiar relationship we have with the person. As time goes on, however, the role changes, and as with many new things in life, it can be hard to accept.

If you are a spouse caring for a loved one with dementia, it is all right to be scared and frustrated and to simply want your comfortable relationship back, rather than continually managing doctor’s appointments and prescriptions. Honor those feelings, find a way to cope with them. Don’t deny yourself any feeling, as this may only make your situation more difficult. If you are a daughter or son caring for a parent at home after a recent fall or other health issue, you may feel overwhelmed with simultaneously handling childcare, work and now your parent’s care. If you feel overburdened, be honest with yourself about it, and then get support.

The good news is that a wealth of resources are available to help you. If your loved one has Alzheimer’s disease or another type of dementia, the Alzheimer’s Association can be an excellent source of support. The American Cancer Society also has a great deal of information for those managing a cancer diagnosis. Explore disease specific resources like these for useful guidance, and look into caregiver support groups in your area. You can gain strength in realizing you are not alone in coping with caregiver responsibilities.

As with all life challenges, beautiful moments can be found when you’re open to them. Whatever your relationship, you can still take walks in the park with your loved one, share special meals, laugh at funny memories, create art and listen to music together, or simply enjoy spending quiet time with one another.

Caregiving is a journey with ups and downs. Be kind to yourself, reach out for help and respite, share feelings with family and friends, understand that self-care is essential and not optional and remind yourself that your emotions are valid. To find help and respite, consider investigating resources through Family Caregiver Alliance or Benjamin Rose Institute on Aging’s BRI Care Consultation™ program. Caring for a loved one is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give. It is invaluable. Thanks to you, your loved one has the opportunity to continue to live the best life possible, for as long as possible.

When We Wander Away from God

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Edward Grinnan

The leash. What owner and his dog are unacquainted with this strange bond? So much is symbolized by the leash, not least of all—trust.

Gracie’s is red. Matches her collar. No pink for her. She’s outdoorsy, athletic, tomboyish to use an old term. More than anything she wants to run like the wind, kicking up her legs, ears flying. Which is why that moment when we are on a certain part of a hiking trail where I feel comfortable unleashing her is a moment of truth and an exercise in trust. It’s never totally easy for me and not just because my wife Julee would kill me if I ever lost Gracie.

I did lose her once for a few hours, at her favorite spot, Monument Mountain here in western Massachusetts. She ran off into the woods after some scent or another. I expected her back in five minutes or so. Five minutes passed. Then 10. I marched up the trail in the direction she disappeared, praying with every step and blowing a whistle I carry with me. No Gracie. I hiked to the summit then down the other side. I searched a loop trail then hiked all the way back to the spot I last saw her. I called her name until I was practically hoarse. More than two hours had passed. It dawned on me I might have lost her forever. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more bleak.

Fortunately, Monument is a popular spot and fellow hikers soon reported seeing a solo golden retriever on one part of the trail or another, including a beautiful female sitting at a juncture where Gracie and I often stopped for water. She was searching for me too! Finally, I got a call on my cell from a group near the summit who had encountered her and called the number on her tags. An hour later we were reunited in the parking lot, Gracie was relieved to see me as I was to see her. The look she gave me said, “Don’t you ever run off like that again!” To this day I believe she thought I was the one who got lost. And maybe I was. I should have just stayed where I was to begin with. She would have found me.

That was a couple of years ago. Gracie’s wiser now but she still loves her freedom even if she keeps an eye on me. She hears the click of her leash coming off her collar, and her whole body quivers even as my heart beats just a touch more rapidly. Then she’s off like a shot. But she stops and gives me a look. Again, it’s as if she is saying, “I trust you when I am on the leash. You can trust me when I’m off.”

And she’s right. A dog on a leash must trust that the human on the other end of the leash will let no harm come to her.

I’m not fond of human/dogs/God analogies, and that’s not what I’m doing here. Still, there is a lesson in the leash, for me at least. God does let me off leash. The Bible teaches me how to live, and I am given free will. When I stray, as I sometimes do, I find my way back to Him. Sometimes the way back is easy, sometimes I am so lost the way back is hard and painful. But God is never lost. He is always there to be returned to. No harm can come to me when I am with Him.

I’ve learned my lesson with Gracie, too. I wait patiently at the spot where I have released her. She always comes back. She gives me a look that says, “Good boy. I’m glad you didn’t wander off this time.”

When We Can’t Say Goodbye to Friends About to Go to Heaven

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Trudy Harris

My friend Bob was accustomed to calling the hospice center and saying, “I am about to die, come quick.” He knew I cared about him very much and would do anything I could for him, so it was his practice to say that if I ever hoped to see him again, I had better come right away.

Bob had a wonderful sense of humor and often asked me out for dinner for the “early bird burned-chicken special.” He had more money than most, which made it all the funnier when I refused, telling him it was not good for my digestion. Bob had cared for a severely brain-damaged daughter for many, many years and with all his humor and silliness, he was a brilliant man and the most deeply committed and loving father I had ever seen.

He left a message for me late one afternoon saying, one more time, that if I ever wanted to see him again, I had better come now. I had worked a very long day and was really tired, so I decided to call the next morning and did not go to see him. He died that night and I was so sorry I had not stopped by to visit one last time.

I called Annie, my friend of 40 years, when I heard she was being moved into a long-term care facility. She was devastated at leaving her beloved home where she and her husband had raised their family. I had the feeling she no longer wanted to live but rather to go on to the God she knew and loved.

“When will you come to see me?” she asked pleadingly. “In the next few weeks,” I promised. “As soon as you are settled in, I will be there.” It was not soon enough, and my lovely friend died within a day or two without our final visit.

“Darlin’,” my sweet southern friend of 45 years said. “Are you coming to see me soon?” Marie had been sick on and off for many years and I talked about our wonderful friendship in my book More Glimpses of Heaven. I told her I would be up in the next week or so, as my daughter-in-law was having surgery and she lived nearby. Marie died less than a week later, before our promised visit.

Something happens to our hearts when we do not get to see our loved ones in time, as promised. Somehow we feel guilty for having let them down and that can bring us great sorrow if we are not careful. After the deaths of each of these friends, I had to remind myself of what I had told the families of loved ones in my care when they too did not make it to the bedside “in time.”

Somehow, in a way that only God knows about, everyone you have ever loved and everyone who has ever loved you is with you when you die. An awareness of love is with that person as they die, even when we are not physically present for them. God is with them—and so is everyone he brings to their remembrance. After all, they are on their way to heaven, to their eternal and lasting reward, where love is eternal. Where love is, that’s where God abides.

When to Surrender to God

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Shawnelle Eliasen

Let go and let God. Surrender is a precious thing.

Ten-year-old Gabriel, eight-year-old Isaiah and I rode our bicycles along the water. The river’s mood was gentle, and the air held summer’s warmth. Gabriel was in front of me, but he slowed down and rode for a moment near my side.

“Look, Mom, at our shadows!” he said. “They’re so big! Look! They’re huge!”

Gabe moved ahead of me. Our shadows untangled, and soon there was just mine. He was right. The sun, shining from the west, had cast our shadows on the close-cropped lawns. I could see the oversized wheels and fenders and the basket on the front of my bike. And then there was me. Tall and long and bigger than life.

The shadows reminded me of a conversation I’d had the day before with a friend.

I shared about circumstance that brought worry and fear.

“You’re trying to control the situation,” she said after listening patiently. “You’re assuming responsibility that isn’t yours. You need to pull back. Give the circumstance to the Lord.”

Surrender.

I tried to.

Then I grabbed and grasped and wanted to wrestle the situation back under my control. I made myself, my role, bigger than it should be.

Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him. (Psalm 37:7)

As I pedaled along, I thought about surrender. In essence, it’s letting go. Letting myself be smaller and recognizing that the Lord is bigger. It’s a trust issue. It’s putting my fear, my worry and my anxious desperation into His capable hands. Into His capable, merciful, powerful, gracious hands.

Surrendering to the Lord means relinquishing what is precious in order to trust in His purpose and plan.

It’s placing trust in His character. His nature. His sovereign activity in my life and His promise to never leave. It’s lifting the details and the outcome to One who is capable rather than scrambling to solve things on my own.

I began to pray as we moved along the bike path. After months of struggle, the prayer came easy as God’s strong and faithful glory colored the evening sky.

Forgive me, Lord, for trusting in my own strength rather than Yours. Help me to surrender to Your will and Your ways. I trust You and know You’re in control.

“You okay, Mom?” Gabe asked as he held back and pedaled by my side once again.

“I am now,” I said.

Surrender can be a powerful struggle, but when we do, there’s powerful peace.

When the Light of Christmas Goes Dark

Posted on March 11, 2026March 12, 2026 by Michelle Cox

Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of a Savior—the best gift ever given. And in the weeks leading up to December 25, there are often also laughter-filled family get-togethers, festive parties at work and church, and fun events with friends.

But sometimes when we’ve been through difficult circumstances, are dealing with health situations, job losses, or the death of a loved one, it’s hard to find those moments of joy, to discover a heart filled with praise.

I’ll never forget how hard it was to find the joy of the season on that first Christmas after my dad committed suicide years ago. But with the passage of time and with the love and support of family and friends, I was able to heal and to find that joy again. I’ll always miss my dad, but now I can smile about the memories we made together.

I’ve realized something else as I’ve spent time in God’s Word: He put some great examples in the Bible to show me how to praise Him despite my circumstances.

Think about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, three men whose faith was put to the test as they were forced to take a stand for God. But instead of standing around worrying and whining, they stepped into the fiery furnace with confidence, praising Him for taking care of them during an unbelievable situation.

And what about Daniel? He was a man of exceptional character, and he’d been so faithful in prayer and in serving God. Despite that, he was thrown into a den of lions. He could have been bitter at how he was treated, but instead he praised God through this trial—and had an opportunity to see God’s power first-hand as those ferocious lions turned into purring pillows.

Job praised God even though His life had just imploded. This wealthy man lost everything that he had: his sheep, his camels, his servants, his health and his beloved sons and daughters. The blows came so fast that he didn’t have time to even catch his breath before more horrible news arrived. If anyone had a right to be bitter, Job was the man, but he continued to praise God through every heartache.

Paul and Silas praised God while sitting in a dank prison cell. They’d been jailed for serving God, for preaching the Gospel. They were entitled to be angry or defeated, but instead, they sang. Can you imagine how the sound of their singing echoed through that depressing prison?

I want to be like those guys, finding joy in the midst of hard times. And I discovered something on that Christmas all those years ago when my praise and joy were dimmed: Jesus truly is the reason for the season. He’s the One who can fill a wounded heart with peace and comfort. And when I focused my eyes on Him instead of my circumstances, that’s when joy started shining into my soul and chased the heartache away.

Father, please bless those whose hearts are hurting this Christmas. Help them to discover an unexplainable joy as they feel Your sweet comfort. Amen.

OUTREACH & PARNTERSHIPS